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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that competitive sports have a positive effect on the child’s education, while others argue it is not so. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages, and give your opinion.

#people #sports #effect #child’s #education
In recent times,
sports
 competitions are equipped in the high school curriculum. There is a growing belief that competitive
sports
engage in providing
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 a profound impact on the child's education,
while
 others do not support
this
 idea. I would argue that
sports
 contests have pros and cons.
This
 essay will examine the argument. First and foremost,
sports
 play a crucial role contributing in to the educational system. Football league,
for instance
, in the USA high school, government have placed sport time, twice per week as they believe that physical activities can improve students' physical health and mental resilience.
Due to
 numerous activities have been involved during the training session.
Therefore
, they can learn how to improve their health to be better, self-control, and well-being
while
 they are playing
sports
.
On the other hand
, there is the contrasting idea that physical games can have negative impacts on their children's studies. In some cases, children cannot control their feelings,
while
 they are falling into a particular competition.
This
, in turn, diminishes the academic pursuit. Some end up not going to school since they are embarrassed by their classmates
due to
 their failure.
Furthermore
, those who aim to get the winner will fall apart and lead to depression.
Consequently
, some parents do not allow their kids to play
sports
, and focus only studies. In conclusion,
sports
 competitions have pros and cons.
Although
 there are several negative aspects,
such
 as they will be reducing study motivation, and exacerbating mental issues, I firmly believe that the positive impact of
sports
 can help children to have health stronger and psychological resilience.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay maintains a clear and logical structure throughout. While you have presented both sides of the argument, some points could be better organized to improve the overall flow of your essay. Consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to your language use and grammar. There are a few inaccuracies that affect clarity, such as "government have placed sport time" and "this, in turn, diminishes the academic pursuit." Focus on subject-verb agreement and the precision of your language.
task achievement
While you have provided some relevant examples, strive to include more specific details to strengthen your arguments. Examples like the football league in the USA are useful, but adding data or concrete outcomes could make them more convincing.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion. This demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion in your essay, both of which are well structured and provide a clear framework for your argument.
task achievement
The ideas presented in your essay are generally clear and relevant to the topic. You've managed to convey your points effectively which keeps the reader engaged.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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