IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is unacceptable that people who work in certain professions,eg.finance,media, entertainment and sport,are paid such high salaries while others, who do more important jobs in society,are underpaid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Have you ever thought about why
people
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 get paid massive incomes in different professions
such
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 as finance, media, entertainment, and sports? It is often argued that others wage do more important jobs in the community are underpaid.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and will provide a logical conclusion.
To begin
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 with, First of all, Nowadays, the supporters claim that there are many reasons to get high wages for those
people
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 who are doing professions,eg.finance,media, entertainment and sport.
Moreover
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, it is beneficial for the country's growth
such
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 as doing advertisements for historical places.
Furthermore
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,
people
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 who travel abroad would love to discover their traditions and where the countries started from and
also
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 what history they made during the old days.
For example
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, if there is no social media there will be no life.
In addition
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, whenever
people
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 travel abroad the first thing they do is look on the internet where is the trending places to go rooming. To add more, no one will look after your health and diet what to eat that’s why there is a sports coach to guide
people
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 to stay healthy and fit to live longer.
On the other hand
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, the opponents believe that others should be paid high salaries for many reasons.
Firstly
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, teaching at high school is one of the main important roles in life for young
people
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 to grow and educate to be future leaders in many different majors. As long as the teachers stay all day in education centres or classrooms the will affect their time with their families.
For example
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, if the father goes to work and does not have time to educate their own children who will? doubtless, the teachers will do.
To sum up
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, I strongly agree with the supporters since the salaries are paid more to coaches who train and make you stay fit.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, the introduction could be made more engaging by rephrasing and making it more concise. For instance, consider starting with a question or a bold statement to draw the reader's attention.
coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, make sure each paragraph addresses a single main idea clearly and that all ideas you introduce are relevant to the task. Each paragraph should smoothly transition to the next.
coherence cohesion
Your body paragraphs are somewhat coherent but could benefit from more precise and varied transition words. Phrases like 'First of all', 'Moreover', 'For example', ‘On the other hand’, and 'To add more' are useful but should be used more skillfully to strengthen the flow and connection between ideas.
task achievement
Although you have presented both sides of the argument, your main points need to be more clearly stated and elaborated. Aim to provide more specific examples or data to strengthen your arguments. For example, discussing the economic impact of high salaries in sports or media versus the societal value of teachers could add depth to your essay.
task achievement
To enhance clarity and comprehension, ensure that your sentences are well-structured and avoid overly long, complex sentences. Break them down into shorter sentences if necessary to make your point clearer.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main argument, providing a clear stance on the issue.
task achievement
You have made a good effort to discuss both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You use several transition words to help guide the reader, which contributes to the overall coherence of your essay.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Public sector
  • 2. Societal well-being
  • 3. Compensation
  • 4. Perceived societal value
  • 5. Market demand
  • 6. Supply and demand
  • 7. Economic benefits
  • 8. Talent migration
  • 9. Ethical implications
  • 10. Equitable distribution
  • 11. Top talent
  • 12. Essential services
  • 13. Societal importance
  • 14. Public demand
  • 15. Fairness in compensation
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