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Band 4.5

An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why are more people choosing to have operation to change the way they look? Do you think this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #surgery #appearance #operation #change #development
Have you ever thought about having
operation
Add an article
an operation
show examples
 to
change
 the
way
 you look?Well,there
many
Add a missing verb
are many
show examples
people
 who
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 to
change
 the
way
 they look.
people
Capitalize word
People
show examples
 who do it have their own reasons
although
this
they that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can lead to many drawbacks, On the one hand,some
people
choosing
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 to have
operation
Add an article
an operation
the operation
show examples
 to
change
 the
way
 they look for many reasons.First of all,some
people
 have
a health problems
Correct the article-noun agreement
health problems
a health problem
show examples
 which can affect their daily life so they should
an
Add a missing verb
have an
show examples
operation
 and that
operation
 may
change
 the
way
 they look.
Moreover
,other
group
Change the wording
groups
show examples
 of
people
 don't like the
way
 they look so they
some time
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 have a changing look
operation
such
 as changing their nose and
operations
 that make their eyes wider.
On the other hand
 , In my opinion ,these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
operations
 have a lot of drawbacks which can affect the person who
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 it.First of all,it can lead to some health problems
such
 as it can affect
you
Change the pronoun
your
show examples
 breath and sometime it may spread to your brain and lead to death.
In addition
,it may affect
you
Change the pronoun
your
show examples
 look negatively and make worse
insted
Correct your spelling
instead
 of
make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
 it better.
Finally
,if these
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
show examples
 of
operations
 spread to cover a huge number of
people
aroung
Correct your spelling
around
 the world the normal human look is going to vanish because most of these
operations
 give an unnormal look to the person who
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 it.
To conclude
 we can say that,changing look
operations
 can lead to
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of drawbacks so if don't
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
it's better to avoid doing these
king
Correct your spelling
kinds
show examples
 of
operations
 unless you need to do it.
Submitted by yousefreyad55 on

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coherence cohesion
In your introduction, make sure to clearly state the reasons why people opt for cosmetic surgery and your opinion on whether this is a positive or negative development. This will enhance the clarity and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You should aim to elaborate more on your main points with specific examples and details. This will help to create a stronger and more comprehensive argument.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and vocabulary use. A few small inaccuracies were noticed, such as 'it may spread to your brain and lead to death.' Be clear about what 'it' specifically refers to in order to avoid confusion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both why people choose cosmetic surgery and the potential negative impacts, which is good as it covers both parts of the task.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Idealized beauty standards
  • Cosmetic surgery
  • Advancements in medical technology
  • Socially acceptable
  • Self-improvement
  • Psychological well-being
  • Competitive workforce
  • Youthful appearance
  • Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)
  • Physical appearance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: