IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. Discuss both views and give your opinon.

#people #animals #zoos #opinon
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Some
people
 would argue that it is a bad thing to keep
animals
 in
zoos
,
while
 others would say that keeping
animals
 in
zoos
 is good for entertainment and educational purposes. I believe that
animals
 should stay in a wildlife reserve because they can live their lives in the right way. On the one hand, many
people
 think that keeping habitats in
zoos
 will help to educate students and children about it. Because young
people
 will visit
zoos
 and they will find many information about each animal.
Thus
,
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
people
 learn more about
animals
 with entertainment.
For example
, many
people
 go to
zoos
 to take photos with
animals
such
 as hours and sometimes they ride it.
However
, I believe that we can use different methods to educate children and students about
animals
.
On the other hand
, individuals think it is a bad idea to keep
animals
 in
zoos
.
This
 is against animal rights because they can not live like other
animals
.
In other words
,
animals
 in
zoos
 stay in close places and
zoos
' staffs bring their food,
this
 is opposite to how
animals
 used to find their food.
For example
, a recent survey found that the number of
animals
 kept in
zoos
 increased in the
last
 few years and
this
 made animal numbers decrease. In my opinion, I believe that
animals
 should live normally with their freedom in wildlife rather than keep them in
zoos
. In conclusion,
although
 keeping
animals
 in
zoos
 has an advantage like using them for educational purposes, it is against animal rights because they lose their freedom and only stay in
a close places
Correct the article-noun agreement
close places
a close place
show examples
 to let
people
 watch them. It is recommended that the government should make rules to limit
people
 who use
animals
 for
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
.
Submitted by sarraadel1551 on

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task achievement
Develop the argument for both sides with more depth and detail. Provide additional points that can support your opinion in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs and sentences. Use more cohesive devices and transitional phrases to make your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all examples are directly relevant to the points being discussed, and try to avoid repeating similar ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main points of your argument.
task achievement
You have made a good attempt to present both sides of the argument, which is critical in a discussion essay.
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