IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos, while others think that zoos are both entertaining and ecologically important. Discuss both views and give your opinon.

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Some
people
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 would argue that it is a bad thing to keep
animals
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 in
zoos
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,
while
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 others would say that keeping
animals
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 in
zoos
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 is good for entertainment and educational purposes. I believe that
animals
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 should stay in a wildlife reserve because they can live their lives in the right way. On the one hand, many
people
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 think that keeping habitats in
zoos
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 will help to educate students and children about it. Because young
people
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 will visit
zoos
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 and they will find many information about each animal.
Thus
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,
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
people
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 learn more about
animals
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 with entertainment.
For example
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, many
people
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 go to
zoos
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 to take photos with
animals
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such
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 as hours and sometimes they ride it.
However
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, I believe that we can use different methods to educate children and students about
animals
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.
On the other hand
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, individuals think it is a bad idea to keep
animals
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 in
zoos
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.
This
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 is against animal rights because they can not live like other
animals
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.
In other words
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,
animals
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 in
zoos
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 stay in close places and
zoos
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' staffs bring their food,
this
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 is opposite to how
animals
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 used to find their food.
For example
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, a recent survey found that the number of
animals
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 kept in
zoos
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 increased in the
last
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 few years and
this
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 made animal numbers decrease. In my opinion, I believe that
animals
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 should live normally with their freedom in wildlife rather than keep them in
zoos
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. In conclusion,
although
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 keeping
animals
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 in
zoos
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 has an advantage like using them for educational purposes, it is against animal rights because they lose their freedom and only stay in
a close places
Correct the article-noun agreement
close places
a close place
show examples
 to let
people
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 watch them. It is recommended that the government should make rules to limit
people
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 who use
animals
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 for
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
.

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task achievement
Develop the argument for both sides with more depth and detail. Provide additional points that can support your opinion in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs and sentences. Use more cohesive devices and transitional phrases to make your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all examples are directly relevant to the points being discussed, and try to avoid repeating similar ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main points of your argument.
task achievement
You have made a good attempt to present both sides of the argument, which is critical in a discussion essay.
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