Nowadays, people believe that governments should invest tax-payer's money in healthcare, other believe that money should be used in other areas. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.
Recently some people hold the
ideal
that Correct your spelling
idea
gouvernements
should invest Correct your spelling
governments
tax-payer's
Change noun form
tax-payers'
money
in healthcare, while
others believe that money
should be used in other areas . As far as I am concerned I am with the the
statement idea I will discuss Remove the redundancy
apply
bellow
my reasonsVerb problem
apply
.
Rephrase
below.
To begin
one thing for sure is gouvernements
run the country by Correct your spelling
governments
the
Correct article usage
apply
taxes
, for
that Change preposition
apply
taxes
are important revenue for Correct article usage
the gouvernement
gouvernement
, and as we all know that Correct your spelling
government
the
health care has no revenue or Correct article usage
apply
foundations
it Fix the agreement mistake
foundation
depend
on Change the verb form
depends
Correct article usage
the gouvernement
gouvernement
budget, Correct your spelling
government
on the
contrary
other areas have own bugets and revenue Add the comma(s)
contrary,
for instance
media gain money
from publicity, sports ares gain money
from sponsoring and tourists from taxes
and so on , so it's obvious that healthcare area rely completely on gouvernements
.
On the other
hand
others believe that Add a comma
hand,
their
are other important Replace the word
there
ares
Correct your spelling
areas
such
education
and Change preposition
as education
scientifics
Correct your spelling
scientific
researchers
thereof Replace the word
research
taxes
should be decided equally for every area.
In conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
while
all areas are important for our lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
gouvernements
should Correct your spelling
governments
used
Change the verb form
use
taxes
to support every area equally.Submitted by yas.mer.pharm on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
You have addressed both points of view and provided your opinion, which is good for task achievement. However, your essay would have been stronger if you had provided more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments. Try to include detailed illustrations or factual data where possible.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but there are a few areas where coherence can be improved. For example, some transitions between sentences and ideas are abrupt. Aim to use more cohesive devices such as 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' or 'In addition,' to make your writing flow more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. However, the conclusion can be more robust by summarizing the main points discussed. Also, try to avoid repeating phrases like 'as we all know' or 'one thing for sure'. Instead, use more formal expressions.
coherence cohesion
Some of your main points are not well-supported. While you mentioned the revenue streams of media, sports, and tourism, you did not provide enough detail. For instance, how much is healthcare spending compared to these areas? Providing such details would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed both points of view in the essay and provided your opinion, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's introduction and conclusion create a clear framework for your discussion, which helps to set expectations and summarize the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates that you understand the importance of coherent structure by organizing your arguments in separate paragraphs.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.