IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

People drink more and more sugar-based drinks. What is the reason why more and more people consume suger-based drinks? How to reduce the consumption of sugar-based drinks?

#people #drink #drinks #reason #consumption
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Nowadays,
sugar
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-based
drinks
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 -
such
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 as Coke, juices, and soft
drinks
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- are likely preferred by
people
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. I strongly believe that some
people
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, especially children and teenagers, like these
drinks
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 because of the sweetness, and variety of the flavour.
However
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, it is undeniable that consuming
drinks
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 that contain a lot of
sugar
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 could be harmful
for
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to
show examples
 the body's metabolism affecting our health.
Therefore
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, the
consumption
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 of
drinks
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 containing
sugar
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 should be reduced to minimize its risks. In my opinion, there are two effective ways to reduce
sugar
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-based drink
consumption
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, which are education, and rule-making.
To begin
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 with, minimizing
sugar
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-based
drinks
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consumption
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 can be achieved by educating
people
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 about the negative effects of drinking them. It can be done in several ways,
such
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 as by providing
information
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 about the possible diseases that could occur by consuming
drinks
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 with
sugar
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 content on television, radio, or any other media that most
people
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 use.
In addition
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, some governmental sectors, especially the hospital or healthcare sector, can educate
people
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 by providing
information
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 on some terrible cases that occur
due to
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 high
consumption
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 of
sugar
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-based
drinks
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 online. Since almost of generations have used the internet on their daily life basis, I believe that providing
information
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 on the internet enables its users to access any
information
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 easily.
Hence
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,
this
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 way could be effective and accessible. Other than that, rule makers' participation in minimizing the
consumption
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 of
sugar
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-based
drinks
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 will be efficient too. Rule makers can make rules for the
sugar
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-based
drinks
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 factories to review and do some research and development about producing those
drinks
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 that can be harmful to
people
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's health, by looking at the standard of
sugar
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 usage, or other
sugar
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 components. If the rules are applied by the
sugar
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-based
drinks
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 producers, the production of
drinks
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 that contain
sugar
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 will be decreased. In conclusion, even though the delicious taste of
sugar
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-based
drinks
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 is preferred, there has to be a limitation on how much
people
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 consume them. Ways that can be done to reduce the
consumption
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 are by educating
people
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 about the possible risks of consuming
sugar
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-based
drinks
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,
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apply
show examples
 and
also
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 making rules about their production.
Submitted by firmansyahafandy99 on

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task achievement
Try providing more specific examples or evidence to support your points. This can make your argument more compelling and concrete.
coherence cohesion
You may want to improve the conclusion by summarizing the main points more clearly and restating the importance of reducing sugar-based drink consumption.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear opening and closing for your discussion.
task achievement
You've addressed both parts of the question well, discussing the reasons people consume more sugar-based drinks and how to reduce their consumption.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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