The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.
The given bar chart represents the information about global sales of five different notable mobile phone
brands
in every other
two-years
Correct your spelling
two-year
show examples
period, from 2009 to 2013, indicated as thousand
dollars
per unit.
Overall
, it can clearly observed that
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
average
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
figures from
Samsung
,
Apple
, and
Nokia
experienced an upward trend,
whereas
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
from
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
two
brands
underwent a downward trend.
However
, it is
intersting
Correct your spelling
interesting
to note that the
overall
revenues from both
Samsung
and
Nokia
are relatively high throughout the given time frame. Starting in 2009, at around 420,000
dollars
,
Nokia
yielded the greatest profits among all
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
four popular
brands
, followed by
Samsung
and LG, at 230,000
dollars
and at 130,000
dollars
, respectively.
Similarly
, trends of the top two aforementioned
brand
Fix the agreement mistake
brands
show examples
in 2011 can be seen that
Nokia
experienced slightly inclined figures
while
that of
Samsung
increased
roughly
Change preposition
by roughly
show examples
about 100,000 bucks.
On the other hand
, the number of
mobil
Correct your spelling
mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
purchased from ZTE was twofold that of
Apple
in 2009 before overtaking by
Apple
in the next two
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
. Ending in 2013, at 450,000
dollars
,
Samsung
reached its
peaked
Replace the word
peak
show examples
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
figures which outnumbered its
first rank
Add a hyphen
first-rank
show examples
rival. The other three
brands
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
differently at a gradual rate where both
Apple
and ZTE
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
rising,
LG
Correct word choice
and LG
show examples
demand slowly dropping.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 70%.
Vocabulary: Replace the words brands, dollars, samsung, apple, nokia with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Global sales
  • Mobile phone brands
  • Market share
  • Trends
  • Growth
  • Decline
  • Technological advancements
  • Innovation
  • Consumer preferences
  • Demographics
  • Market dominance
  • Brand loyalty
  • Comparative analysis
  • Sales figures
  • Data interpretation
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