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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

"According to those in the travel business, the nature of the average 'holiday' is changing. Rather than seeking a relaxing break in a far-away place, people now want excitement on their holidays and are keen to participate in unusual and challenging activities. Do you agree or disagree?"

#travel #business #nature #holiday #place #people #excitement #holidays #activities
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Some professionals in the travel industry argue that, in the past, a typical
holiday
Use synonyms
 would more likely be
centered
Change the spelling
centred
show examples
 around quiet rest and relaxation,
whereas
Linking Words
 now, an increasing portion of
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to organize their vacations around thrilling activities. Whilst it may be true that some prefer
this
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 kind of
holiday
Use synonyms
, it cannot be denied that most
people
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 prefer to utilize their vacation time to relax and recover, and do not prefer to take safety risks during their
holidays
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.
Firstly
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, most
people
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 nowadays spend
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 majority of their waking hours at
work
Use synonyms
. And, because of the compulsory nature of
work
Use synonyms
, it is expected that, regardless of one's profession, a level of fatigue would cumulate with time.
As a result
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 of
this
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, now and in the past,
people
Use synonyms
 have preferred to use their vacation time to rest and re-energize.
For instance
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,
people
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 who
work
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 in some of the largest industries, like construction and manufacturing, often complain about how tiring their
work
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 is, and how much they look forward to their
holidays
Use synonyms
 so they can get their energy back. Considering
this
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,
it is clear that
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 the same reasons that have made
people
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 utilize their
holidays
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 for recovery still stand in today's world.
Furthermore
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, a majority of
people
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 are put off by these events and excursions
due to
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 the fact that many vacation activities that would be considered thrilling involve certain health and safety risks. Even the most popular of these, like skydiving and bungee, could result in
catastrophy
Correct your spelling
catastrophe
 if several precautions are not taken properly by the proprietors.
For example
Linking Words
, regardless of the
holiday
Use synonyms
 destination, even a brief research on the Google reviews of some of the biggest excursion providers in the region uncovers
disasterous
Correct your spelling
disastrous
 incidents that one would be oblivious to without looking at online reviews.
Therefore
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,
due to
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 these very apparent risks, most
people
Use synonyms
 still prefer to keep
such
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 items out of their itineraries. In conclusion, the big role in recovery that
holidays
Use synonyms
 play,
along with
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 the risky nature of the aforementioned activities, it is evident that most
people
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 still opt for the same kind of
holiday
Use synonyms
 as they have done in the past.
Hence
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, there seems no reason to see a significant shift towards the contrary.
Submitted by denisbeytekin on

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task achievement
Consider expanding the range of examples provided to strengthen your arguments. While the arguments are valid, more diverse examples could add depth to the essay.
task achievement
Ensure all ideas are clearly explained. For instance, the concept of people avoiding holidays with safety risks could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to be more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs. Although the essay is cohesive, explicit transitions from one idea to the next can increase clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, making it easy to follow the arguments presented.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and the conclusion are effectively written, framing the essay well and reiterating the main points.
coherence cohesion
The main points are generally well-supported by relevant arguments.
task achievement
The response is complete and directly addresses the prompt, providing a well-rounded argument against the idea that holidays have significantly shifted from relaxation to adventure.

Your opinion

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If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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