IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

‘It is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos’. How far do you share this view?

#‘it #animals #captivity #zoos’
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It is widely believed that putting
animals
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 in
zoos
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 is always an inappropriate way to preserve
animals
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.
While
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 I acknowledge the reasons behind
this
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 thinking, I am of the opinion that keeping
animals
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 in a controlled environment is a good approach. In
this
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 essay, I will provide the reasoning of my standpoint.
To begin
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 with, one of the primary reasons why
zoos
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 can effectively preserve
animals
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 is that they offer a secure and peaceful setting for
animals
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, as can be seen in high-quality wildlife parks or reserves. It is recognized that
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
in captivity,
animals
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 are provided with a safe place in which their survival rate is more promising
due to
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 its poaching-free and wild-like environment .
Additionally
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, another positive point from
zoos
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 is the conservation system they implement, which concentrates mainly on habitat protection, breeding aid programmes and disease control.
This
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 all helps to safeguard endangered species and
thus
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 preserve the global ecosystem for the future benefit of all life forms.
On the other hand
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, though, it might be said that
zoos
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 have
animals
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 make several behavioural adjustments that may lead to disrupting natural instincts.
However
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, I am convinced that
this
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 drawback can be eliminated by establishing a program that nurtures not only
animals
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’ physical aspects but
also
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 their mental health in order to holistically improve
animals
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’ quality of life .
To sum up
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, it seems to me that keeping
animals
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 in
zoos
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 is a good conservation method
that is
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 worth implementing.
This
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 is owing to the secure place and well-arranged conservation program that the
animals
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 might get.
Submitted by k a l l a on

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task achievement
Your essay could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support your points. Although your arguments are valid, providing concrete instances or citing research studies can make your viewpoint more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are clearly presented, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next would further enhance the flow of your essay. Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to achieve better cohesion.
task achievement
Minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings detract slightly from the clarity of your essay. Proofreading for small mistakes can significantly improve the overall fluency and readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which contributes to its logical sequence.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced view by acknowledging the opposing perspective and explaining why you do not fully agree with it, demonstrating critical thinking.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with explanations, making your arguments convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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