IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.

#countries #people #population #governments #society
In numerous countries
people
's life spans have extended compared to the past. There is an opinion that senior
people
 might provide some issues for government authorities.
However
, there is a different way of thinking that old
people
 ensure advantages for
society
. On the one hand, it's undeniable that the expansion of the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population creates issues with rising demand for healthcare systems, social security and pension funds.
For example
, South Korea and Japan are near to collapse of pension funds. It led to old
people
 struggling with a penny to ensure their lives.
Furthermore
, to make all bills paid government allowed to work as a taxi driver for
people
 over 60 years old and
this
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 led to an increase in accidents on the streets.
On the other hand
, of course,
pensiones
Correct your spelling
pensioners
show examples
 should not be left out of life. Long life spans show that the healthcare system provides good service. In
Europe
Add a comma
Europe,
show examples
 old
people
 have enough savings to spend the rest of their lives in good condition and travel all around the world. Most Europeans live in Turkey for half a year to enjoy sunny weather and warm sea.
Moreover
, government authorities as a social service are creating a lot of programs to keep old
people
 a part of
society
.
For example
, social workers teach mature
people
 new professions which are suitable for their age and physical health,
therefore
 aged
people
 are still a useful part of
society
. In conclusion, finding ways to make old
people
 feel comfortable, healthy, useful and productive could be a challenging task for new generations. Because there are more advantages to keeping them in
society
 than disadvantages.
Submitted by polinaukhalova.my on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical flow of your essay, consider using more transitional phrases to clearly connect your ideas between and within paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure that all points are equally developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing Europe and Turkey could benefit from more detailed examples and explanations to better support your points.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize your main arguments, contributing to a cohesive essay.
relevant specific examples
You included relevant and specific examples, particularly about South Korea and Japan, which strengthened your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: