IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the modern world , people go to school until they come of age, and many parents agree with it.
This
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 approach is usually justified by the importance of a full
education
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, obtaining the necessary knowledge and skills for
future
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 life,
as well as
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 the formation of stable social links, but I do not completely enough agree with them. In my essay, I will demonstrate my point of view on
this
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 issue. I believe that every student should understand what kind of work environment he needs to find himself in after graduation. A child does not always need to study at a higher school if he does not need these skills in the
future
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.
For example
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, a
future
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 car mechanic will not need knowledge of higher mathematics in his profession.
As a result
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,With
this
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 approach, a person will not only define his
future
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
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 save a couple of years of his life.
As a result
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 -
Consequently
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 ,
As a consequence
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Further
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, there are more flexible forms of
education
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, which can include homeschooling, online
education
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, or studying through various alternative programs. These forms of
education
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 may be more suitable for some young people, taking into account their individual needs, interests and abilities.
For example
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, children who are ahead of their peers in development are able to graduate from school a couple of years earlier, and in order not to lose their potential, it is better to choose the format of individual
education
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.
To sum up
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, it is important to ensure that young people have access to high-quality
education
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,
as well as
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 to take into account their individual characteristics and needs when developing educational programs or the format of
education
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.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the main idea and sets the stage for your argument. However, it could be more concise. Avoid starting with a general statement about the modern world and people going to school; instead, directly address the topic about young people being required to have full-time education until they are at least 18.
task achievement
Your points about different educational needs and the flexibility of modern education are relevant and insightful. However, you need to develop them further. Include more specific examples and elaborate on your arguments to make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, the essay generally follows a logical structure but some sentences are disconnected or abruptly linked (e.g., phrases like 'As a result - Consequently - As a consequence'). Ensure smooth transitions between thoughts and avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
While you have mentioned homeschooling and online education, you could provide a clearer and more detailed explanation of how these alternative forms can be beneficial. Adding specific examples would strengthen this section.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively summarizing your argument.
task achievement
You have tackled the prompt directly and provided a balanced view, considering both sides of the argument.
task achievement
The idea of alternative educational formats is a strong point in your essay and shows a good understanding of contemporary educational issues.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental cornerstone
  • literacy and numeracy
  • social inequalities
  • foundation of knowledge
  • social mobility
  • informed and engaged citizenry
  • democratic processes
  • youth crime rates
  • productive activities
  • vocational training
  • workforce
  • stifling individual talent
  • economic contribution
  • stress and mental health issues
  • unsuitable educational system
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • diverse talents
  • career paths
  • formal academic education
  • financial strains
  • low-income countries
  • improving quality of education
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