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Writing Samples
Band 8

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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In our modern day and age, academic excellence in school is an important key to ensuring better chances for tertiary
education
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 and future jobs. Some parents want their children to focus on essential academic subjects rather than sports and life
skills
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 classes. I believe that young people need a balanced
education
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 to help them succeed in their future lives. It is undeniable that core subjects
such
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 as mathematics and science are required in most jobs in today's work market and
students
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 with a strong background in
such
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 subjects have a better likelihood of working in fields
such
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 as medicine and engineering.
For example
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,
students
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 who have high scores in standardized exams and university admission exams are more likely to be accepted in highly esteemed centres compared to
students
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 with lower GPAs.
Thus
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, it is understandable that parents would aspire that their children get the strongest
education
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 in school to secure better future opportunities.
On the other hand
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, most
students
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 after graduating from high school and becoming independent from their families
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are faced with real-life struggles
such
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 as keeping up with personal finance and basic housekeeping
skills
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.
Also
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, on social and professional levels they might lack time management or communication
skills
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 which are crucial for a successful career.
For instance
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, a social study in the US found that 45% of university
students
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 struggle to manage their own personal budget and pay bills on time.
Therefore
Linking Words
, Real-life
skills
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 can help young people become well-rounded individuals who can thrive beyond life with their families. In conclusion, a well-balanced
education
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 that combines core knowledge with other
skills
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 ensures that younger generations will have the appropriate tools to help them through life.
Submitted by ghadeersulami on

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Task Response
Your essay effectively addresses the task and provides a balanced discussion on the topic. Ensure to further elaborate on the reasons why non-academic subjects are essential; consider adding more examples to strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, it could benefit from more linking words to improve flow and connection between ideas. Phrases like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' can smooth transitions.
Task Response
You provided a clear and concise response to the task, addressing both sides of the argument and offering your own perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, with ideas well-organized into paragraphs, each addressing distinct points of view.
Task Response
Good use of examples enriches your essay, such as the reference to a social study in the US, which adds credibility to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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