IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard working and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #determination #factors #money #appearance
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Nowadays, there has been a debate over the topic of
success
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 and
if
Correct word choice
whether
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 the
appearance
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 of it in our lives comes from hard
work
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 and determination or
due to
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 other factors like
money
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. I believe that
success
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 can be
gain
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gained
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 only by hard
work
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 and
self discipline
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self-discipline
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides of the statement given.
Firstly
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, people who have achieved
to be
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being
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 the best in their department confess in interviews the key points of their
success
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, one of them being hard
work
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, followed by
self motivation
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self-motivation
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 that everything they dreamed about would
became
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become
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 reality in one day.
For example
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, one of the most
successfull
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successful
business women
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businesswomen
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 in my country stated that the most important step to achieve
success
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 in everything you want is to believe in yourself and in your own
strenght
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strength
 and
also
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 self discipline plays a crucial role in gaining
success
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.
As a result
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, each day of hard
working
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work
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 makes you come close to achieving
success
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 in your life.
On the other hand
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, folks consider that
money
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 and
appearance
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helps
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help
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 you to achieve
success
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, for
them
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them,
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 the idea of having
money
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 can make you instantly
successfull
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successful
 as you can buy your way to it.
For instance
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, folks from high society consider themselves superior to the
middle class
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middle-class
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 folks, no matter how
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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hard they
work
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, as they do not display the
money
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 or the rich
appearance
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 they have. I
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disagree
dissagree
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disagree
 with
this
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 statement as everybody can reach
success
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 as long as
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
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working honest
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work honestly
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 for it, In conclusion, society should not judge someone because of their lack of
money
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 and
appearance
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, everybody can achieve
success
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 no matter where are they coming from as long as they are
determinated
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determined
 and working hard to achieve, might not be an easy path,
that
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but that
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why
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is why
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 not all people can achieve
success
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 in their lives.
Submitted by annaungureanu794 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides your opinion, which is good. However, you could improve the depth of your discussion on each side. Try to include more detailed examples and explanations to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly presents a single, well-developed idea. While your paragraphs are relevant to the topic, some of them could benefit from further structural refinement. For instance, the flow between the points in the second body paragraph could be smoother.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your essay well. This helps in maintaining a coherent structure throughout the text.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example to illustrate the view that hard work and determination lead to success. This adds depth to your argument.
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