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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum

#people #strain #health #care #system #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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Globalisation and industrialisation had
put on
Verb problem
apply
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some negative effects on people's lives,
due to
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 which
number
Correct article usage
the number
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 of overweight people is increasing and becoming a threat to the national health care system. In
this
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 regard, few believe that proper physical
education
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 should be taught in the university to reduce the
obesity
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 problem,
such
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 as awareness among the pupils and teenagers. I completely agree with
this
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 viewpoint, as regular physical
activity
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 from a young age is crucial in combating
obesity
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 and fostering a healthier society.
To begin
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 with, integrating more physical
education
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 lessons into the school curriculum can
instill
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instil
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 daily healthy
habits
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 in
children
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. Regular physical
activity
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 is essential for maintaining a healthy weight and preventing
obesity
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-related diseases
such
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 as diabetes and cardiovascular issues. By ensuring that
children
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 engage in physical
exercise
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 regularly,
schools
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 can help develop lifelong
habits
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 of staying active.
This
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 early intervention is critical because
habits
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 formed in childhood often persist into adulthood, reducing the likelihood of
obesity
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 later in life.
Secondly
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, physical
education
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 in
schools
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 provides an inclusive environment where all
students
Use synonyms
 can participate in various forms of
exercise
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. Many
children
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 might not have access to sports facilities or safe outdoor spaces at home, making school the primary place where they can be physically active. By making PE a mandatory part of the curriculum,
schools
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 ensure that all
children
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, regardless of their background, have the opportunity to benefit from regular
exercise
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.
Moreover
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, physical
education
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 classes can educate
students
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 about the importance of a healthy lifestyle. PE lessons can include information about nutrition, the benefits of regular
exercise
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, and the risks associated with a sedentary lifestyle.
This
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 holistic approach to health
education
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 can empower
students
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 to make informed choices about their diet and physical
activity
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,
further
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 helping to reduce
obesity
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 rates.
Additionally
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, increasing physical
education
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 in
schools
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 can have broader social benefits. Physically active
children
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 are more likely to perform better academically, as
exercise
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 has been shown to improve concentration, memory, and
overall
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 cognitive function.
Furthermore
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, regular physical
activity
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 can enhance mental health, reducing the incidence of anxiety and depression among young people. These positive effects extend beyond the individual to benefit society as a whole by fostering a healthier, more productive population. In conclusion, introducing more physical
education
Use synonyms
 lessons in the school curriculum is a highly effective way to address the growing issue of
obesity
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 and its strain on the healthcare system. By promoting regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 from a young age,
schools
Use synonyms
 can help develop lifelong healthy
habits
Use synonyms
, provide inclusive opportunities for
exercise
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, and educate
students
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 about the importance of a healthy lifestyle.
This
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 comprehensive approach is essential for creating a healthier future generation and alleviating the burden on healthcare systems.
Submitted by dlgrmaa9499 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive response to the task. However, consider incorporating more real-world examples or case studies to further illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured, you occasionally use complex sentences that could benefit from simplification for better readability.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets the context and outlines your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphs that each address a specific point.
coherence cohesion
You effectively use transition words to create a logical flow between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and reinforces your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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