IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Fewer young people play sports these days. Why is this? What can be done to encourage more young people to do sports?

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The trend of fewer young people engaging in
sports
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 has become a concerning
issue
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 in modern society.
This
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 essay will examine both the causes of and solutions to
this
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issue
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. There are two main reasons why most young
children
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 are not taking part in
sports
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 in their daily lives. For one, addiction to electronic devices is the main cause which prevents the young generation from participating in physical activities. Today, there are more
such
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 kinds of electronics compared to the past, so
children
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 are using and being busy with them all the time.
Secondly
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, There is a lack of awareness about the benefits of physical exercise on health. Educational places
such
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 as schools and universities do not commonly talk to their students about the importance of
sports
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 and
not
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do not
show examples
 inspire them
while
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 young
children
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 are there. One pertinent example is that I am studying at the university , but there are no
sports
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-related subjects. To combat
this
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issue
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, one viable solution is to reduce the time spent on unnecessary activities
such
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 as playing online games and surfing the internet. Parents should always control their
children
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 and set timetables which should be finished by them during the daytime. Another potential solution is that teachers should recall the significance of sport on people’s health. If they are encouraged and are aware of the beneficial sides of training
sports
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such
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 as halting poor posture, they will be more energetic and try to join teams that do
sports
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 on a daily basis. In conclusion,
although
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 the trend of fewer young people participating in
sports
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 is alarming, it is not insurmountable. By addressing the root causes of
this
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issue
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 and implementing measures to promote physical activity, we can encourage more young people to engage in
sports
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 and reap its numerous benefits.

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task response
Your essay addresses the task effectively by discussing both reasons for the decreased participation in sports among young people and potential solutions. However, providing more specific examples and evidence could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs and a logical flow of ideas. Be cautious with minor grammatical errors and punctuation issues to maintain clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-defined structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This enhances readability and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are developed logically with explanations and examples that follow a coherent pattern, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
task response
You have fully addressed the task by discussing both the reasons and potential solutions, showing a comprehensive understanding of the issue.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • engagement
  • incentives
  • obesity
  • recreation
  • well-being
  • peer pressure
  • physical fitness
  • endurance
  • balance
  • teamwork
  • coordination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • discipline
  • facilities
  • accessible
  • affordable
  • curriculum
  • extracurricular
  • inclusion
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