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Band 6

Playing games is bad for children. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this view?

#games #children
There is a view that playing video
games
 can negatively affect
children
. I completely disagree with
this
 notion because
games
 have many benefits for
children
such
 as improving many important
skills
, the opportunity to have
fun
 with friends and the potential to make
money
 through gaming. The first advantage of gaming for the young generation is that it can improve many
skills
. It has been proven by many studies that
games
 that require mental functioning can be beneficial for
children
’s
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
. Survival, action and strategy
games
 can enhance
children
’s problem-solving
skills
, logical thinking and creativity because these
games
 put
children
 in unknown situations where they are forced to solve problems. Another upside to gaming is the opportunity to have
fun
 with friends. Many
games
 are designed to be played in teams.
This
 means that
children
 can spend time playing
games
 with their friends and have
fun
 with them.
This
 experience can
also
 strengthen the bonds between peers and give them life-long memories.
Games
 like CS GO and DOTA 2 can
also
 teach
children
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to work in a team, which is an important skill for
children
’s future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
.
Games
also
 give
children
 a chance to earn
money
. A range of different gaming competitions with prizes are held every year, and those who win can win prize
money
 which can range from a few hundred dollars to millions. Another way to make
money
 is through streaming
games
, which people watch from around the globe and can make donations to their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
show examples
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 In conclusion, I hold the view that
games
 not only are
games
 a
fun
 way for
children
 to spend time together, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can
also
 be helpful in terms of improving many cognitive
skills
 and the chance to make
money
 through gaming.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay is quite well-organized with clear introductory and concluding paragraphs. However, the last sentence in the conclusion could be simplified for clarity and conciseness.
task achievement
While the essay presents a clear response to the task with relevant and specific examples, integrating a counterargument could enhance the depth of the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction immediately presents the writer's position clearly and concisely, which sets a clear focus for the essay.
supported main points
Each paragraph addresses a distinct point and is well-developed with supporting details, making the argument more compelling.
task achievement
The use of specific examples such as CS GO and DOTA 2 strengthens the argument by providing concrete illustrations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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