One of the consequences of the improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Improving medical services nowadays leads to a huge number of benefits, like people's long
life
and life
expectations for the treatment. However
, I think despite the disadvantages, the advantages are more valuable.
One of the negative sides of this
issue is increasing the population around the world, and it could be the reason for the overpopulation. Overpopulation leads to a lot of bad consequences, like declining the economic growth of the country and disbalance of the proportion of doctors and patients. So patients would be really more than doctors, however
the decline of the quantity of the medical services. Besides
, overpopulation could lead to a lack of bunk in the hospitals.
So there are an enormous amount of advantages to improving medical care and they are more significant. Because a healthy long life
could be the cause of creating harmony in the family. For example
, healthy old grandparents can look after their grandchildren and, in this
case, help the working parents in the upbringing of children, not giving them the
reason for anxiety. Correct article usage
a
In addition
, increasing the quantity of health care
services could invent new vaccines Correct your spelling
healthcare
and
drugs, and methods of treating incurable diseases, like cancer or HIV, and give hope to reach their dreams. With not only dreams but Correct word choice
apply
also
a longer life
, people can contribute more to society.
To conclude
, in my opinion, the advantages of this
issue are more valuable and important. Because it includes a lot of benefits for people's lives, making their
more harmonious and beneficial for society.Correct pronoun usage
them
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and provides a clear opinion, which is good. However, the argumentation could be more robust. For instance, you could add more specific examples to illustrate your points. Discussing real-world scenarios where improved medical care has had significant positive effects would strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay's logical structure is fairly well-organized, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next, maintaining a clear and cohesive progression from introduction to conclusion. Improving the linking phrases between ideas will enhance the overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
While the main points are supported, they could benefit from more detailed elaboration and clarity. Adding specific data or studies to back up your points on overpopulation or the benefits to family life would make the essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing your argument well. This is crucial for a strong response and you did this nicely.
task achievement
You provided a balanced view by addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of improved medical care, which shows a well-rounded understanding of the issue.
task achievement
Your writing shows a good command of English, with a variety of vocabulary and sentence structures. This enhances readability and engages the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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