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Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More govenment money should be spent to free time activities of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #govenment #money #time #activities #people
There has been a common belief that people who believe their opinions regarding
education
 have a vital role in the young generation.
However
, some argue that the government should allocate more financial resources to free-time
activities
 for them. In my opinion,
both
 views have merit, and I agree with
both
 statements.
Firstly
, the
education
 system is an important and indispensable factor that contributes to the future of youngsters. In fact, schooling plays a fundamental role in equipping young children with essential knowledge and skills to succeed in life.
This
 supports their personal development, opens more future opportunities, and fosters an understanding of society.
For example
, students from European universities are the clearest proof that their system is carefully invested in ensuring the quality of young people after graduation.
In addition
 to learning, they have a chance to practice with a big company.
This
 helps them improve the basic skills they need when working anywhere
such
 as presentation, communication, teamwork, and so on, which support work and increase employment opportunities and earning potential.
On the other hand
, providing funding for free-time
activities
 for the young public is
also
 essential to promoting their holistic growth and well-rounded development. Engaging in leisure
activities
such
 as sports, music, arts,.. can enhance their creativity, and social skills, and create a more relaxed mind after stressful classes and a competitive environment.
Thus
,
this
 will help improve
both
 physical and mental health.
For instance
, adding physical
education
 classes during study time helps students have time to strengthen their bodies and relax their minds. In conclusion,
both
education
 and extracurricular
activities
 bring more value to the growth of individuals who are not only academically proficient but
also
 socially, physically, and mentally active.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the essay's structure and main arguments. This helps the reader follow your thought process more easily.
task achievement
Provide more varied and specific examples to support your points. This shows a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Sometimes the ideas seem disjointed. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, making the connection between ideas clear.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view on the topic, acknowledging the importance of both education and leisure activities.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay and reinforces the argument.
task achievement
The essay uses specific examples, such as the European universities, which add credibility to the arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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