IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #business #company #organisation
Some people took their decision to open their own
business
instead
 of working in the companies.
Firstly
 , I think that either opening your own
business
 or working
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
specific hours for someone depends on your personality , if you are a hard worker I highly recommend opening your shop
however
 if you are a lazy person I think that you should work at a company ,
for example
 before two years one of my lazy friends has opened his own food restaurant but he could not continue when I asked him for the reasons he told me that he could not continue with all that pressure so he decided to close the restaurant . If you can take all of
this
 pressure and move on
then
 your own
business
 can make you rich after approximately 3 to 5 years
then
 you buy whatever you want
for example
 my uncle when he was young
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
decided to open his own supermarket so he
starts
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 saving money for 2 years after that he opened his own supermarket
then
 he repeated
this
 operation , now he just opened his fifth supermarket in Saudi Arabia . In conclusion , opening your own
business
 is a great idea if you can bear the disadvantages of it
also
 working in companies is not a bad idea at all
Submitted by khalidashgar23 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to develop a clearer and more structured introduction. State the topic and your stance more explicitly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas flow logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence variety and complexity to enhance readability and engagement.
task achievement
Provide more balanced arguments by discussing the disadvantages of starting a business with specific examples.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant examples that support the points being made, which help in illustrating the ideas clearly.
task achievement
Personal stories and examples make the essay more relatable and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: