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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Most people are so selfish that not to attend social entertainment like a national festival. Still, they spend time on entertainment. Give reasons for the above issues and how to solve them.

#people #entertainment #time
A significant number of people are so selfish that they don't attend the social
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
such
 as national
festival
Fix the agreement mistake
festivals
show examples
 and
Correct your spelling
religions
religious
religons
Correct your spelling
religious ceremonies
cermoney
Correct your spelling
ceremony
ceremonies
while
 they still spend time on
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
,I think that attending social
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more important than anything else
Firstly
 , not going to the social
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 can
afford for
Verb problem
give
show examples
 you the time to do something more important
also
 if you can't bear
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
croud
Correct your spelling
crowd
 I think you must not go there because usually the social
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 places are too crowded , an example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
sutiuation
Correct your spelling
situation
 on the
last
 national festival I went with
one
 of my friends who hates loud noises , just after
one
 hour he told me that he can't stay and
then
 he left the festival.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 going to the social
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 is a very important action that
every body
Correct your spelling
everybody
show examples
 should do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because if
no body
Correct your spelling
nobody
show examples
went
Wrong verb form
goes
show examples
 to the national festivals
then
 after
Correct article usage
a couble
show examples
couble
Correct your spelling
couple
 of years no
one
 is going to remember the national festivals,
for example
 in South Africa before approximately ten years no
one
 attended the national festival since that time no
one
 still
celebrate
Change the verb form
celebrates
show examples
 with South Africa national day . In conclusion , social
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 gives
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
value to the country so we need to attend it
in addition
 we must tell
every body
Correct your spelling
everybody
show examples
 we meet
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the value of those days
also
 we can do
a campaigns
Correct the article-noun agreement
a campaign
campaigns
show examples
 to
advice
Replace the word
advise
show examples
 the people to attend .
Submitted by khalidashgar23 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task by discussing both sides of the argument, which is good. However, it needs more specific examples and deeper elaboration on the points made.
task achievement
While your ideas are generally clear, there are a few areas where the language could be more precise and varied to express your points more comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical mistakes and awkward phrases. Pay attention to sentence structure and verb agreements. For example, 'sutiuation' should be 'situation', and 'cermoney' should be 'ceremony'.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas flow logically from one to the next. Using transitional words could also help in connecting the ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps give your essay structure.
task achievement
The essay attempts to provide reasons and solutions, which shows an understanding of the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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