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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. Do the advantages of giving children this message outweigh the disadvantages?

#cultures #children #message
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In certain societies,
children
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 are often taught that anything is possible if they just put their
mind
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minds
show examples
 to it.
While
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this
Linking Words
 advice could set
children
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 up for disappointment, I believe in general it is a good mindset to instill in young ones. On the
one
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 hand, saying that
children
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 can attain what they want as long as they put in the effort is just not true; there are many situations where no matter how hard
one
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 tries, some things are just beyond their reach because of a lack of skills, opportunity or simply luck.
For example
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, it is not uncommon for hard-working students to fail to get into the college that they want, or for diligent
atheletes
Correct your spelling
athletes
 to suffer defeat when facing a formidable opponent. Not everyone is able to process these setbacks well, and many will inevitably blame themselves, perhaps to a degree
that is
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 unhealthy.
On the other hand
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, to have faith that hard work will be rewarded is usually a positive mentality to adopt. Even when met with failures, the process of trying to push
one
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's boundaries brings tremendous personal growth and, more importantly, leaves
children
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 with no regrets later on.
This
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 kind of drive is particularly necessary for individuals who tend to give up easily and do not have a lot of patience.
In addition
Linking Words
, having the will to perform to the best of
one
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's abilities helps build character and a sense of responsibility, because
children
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 will learn to take ownership of their decisions. These are essential attributes of a dependable leader in the future, both in an organization and in a family. In conclusion, I am strongly convinced that
while
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 it is not a good idea to give
children
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 false hopes, generally the mindset that anything is attainable if they try hard enough does them more good than harm.
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relevant specific examples
Although the essay is well-structured and ideas are clear, providing more specific examples could strengthen your argument. Examples can make your points more relatable and convincing.
introduction conclusion present
While your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points, it could be beneficial to slightly expand it to reinforce your argument more strongly. Adding a sentence or two that succinctly ties everything together might leave a stronger impression on the reader.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is quite strong. Each paragraph has a clear purpose, and there is a logical flow from one idea to the next, which helps maintain the reader's understanding.
complete response
Your response to the task was thorough and complete. You addressed both the advantages and disadvantages, which shows a balanced viewpoint.
supported main points
The main points are well supported with good reasoning, making your arguments more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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