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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people think that money is the best gift to give a teenager, but others disagree. Discuss both the views and give your opinion including relevant examples.

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It is argued by many that the best gift that can be given to a teen is cash,
whereas
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 others believe there may be better alternatives. Money may,
undoubtely
Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
, be welcomed with open arms as teenagers can make their own purchasing decisions with it.
However
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, a more sentimental approach to gift-giving may be more cherished by the receiver, especially in the long term. On the one hand, an extra allowance can be great for teens as it gives them the ability to purchase what they desire the most. Because, at any time, there may be several things that they may want, by giving them the freedom to make a decision themselves, not only can parents ensure that they provide the best present, but
also
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 successfully develop their children's decision-making skills at the same time.
For instance
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, many will have heard, at some point, a fellow child or young adult vehemently complain about their present. Parents can mitigate the risk of
this
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occuring
Correct your spelling
occurring
 by opting for a cash solution.
Although
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 money can be a good alternative, a majority of people may see more value in sentimental presents, especially after some time passes.
Moreover
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, the happiness that a toy or electronics brings is likely to be ephemeral,
whereas
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 the joy of
posessing
Correct your spelling
possessing
 something that holds sentimental value can
last
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 throughout one's lifetime. To exemplify, when given the resources, most teens would likely opt for a material choice, like a new phone or an Xbox,
whereas
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 many adults, when asked the best thing they've ever been gifted, would show something that has emotional significance.
To sum up
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, choosing the best gift for a teenager is a controversial topic. Yet, whilst some may claim that funds are the best option, it cannot be argued that, in the long run, objects that have emotional significance are likely to be more valuable.

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coherence cohesion
To further improve clarity, each paragraph can have a clearer topic sentence that directly points to the argument being made.
coherence cohesion
Try to diversify the use of cohesive devices to create a more fluid connection between sentences and ideas.
task achievement
As the essay is well-structured, aim to use more specific examples to better illustrate points and strengthen arguments.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses both views and provides a balanced discussion before giving a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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