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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Once children start school, teachers have more influence than parents on their intellectual and social development. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is often argued that
children
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 are significantly influenced by teachers than
parents
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 in their intellectual and social development. Even if it does not appeal to me at all, that’s why I completely disagree with
this
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 statement. On the one hand, outer
knowledge
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 and cognitive
skills
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 are vital for
children
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's enhancement, which makes them more knowledgeable person. Those necessary
skills
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 are taught by their
parents
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 at home. Nowadays,
children
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 tend to watch TV, where they mostly learn about social
knowledge
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 what is going on in the universe and what about the systems of education, hospitals, transportation and so on.
For example
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, when
children
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 start to learn at school, where teachers teach them only academic-related subjects,
however
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,
parents
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 have a great influence on their
children
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such
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 as they teach social
knowledge
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 and intellectual
skills
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 to the
children
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.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 are now more and more conscious about their
children
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 and how their
children
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 can learn in an effective way to be skilful people.
On the other hand
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, social
knowledge
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 and critical thinking not only lead them to excel but
also
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 allow them to get a high level of jobs.
However
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, at school, teachers teach only domains that are acquired by students.
Parents
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 motivate the
children
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 most effective way and play a vital role, afterwards,
children
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 start to learn how to gather information and how to solve intricate problems in their lives.
For instance
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, in order to
children
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's development in social and sophisticated thinking, they might face some challenges at that time
parents
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 help them a lot.
Thus
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, Knowing better communication and good listening
skills
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children
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 have to do other activities rather than go to school.
To sum up
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, I firmly disagree because without
parents
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children
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 might not be learn social background and critical thinking.

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to back up your main points. For instance, you could include real-life scenarios or studies that demonstrate the influence of parents on children's social and intellectual development.
coherence cohesion
Work on clearly structuring your paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, and it should logically lead to the next paragraph.
task achievement
Ensure that each argument and claim is fully explained and supported. Some points were only partially developed and would benefit from further elaboration.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion, which help guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
Good attempt to address both intellectual and social aspects of children's development, showing a balanced view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Structured learning environment
  • Cognitive skills
  • Social interactions
  • Pedagogical techniques
  • Moral values
  • Emotional well-being
  • Complementary roles
  • Academic and social education
  • Individualized attention
  • Life skills training
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