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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent to do you agree or disgaree ?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers #benefit #individuals #disgaree
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Nowadays, the primary target in education
schools
 is for their admission to be good
people
 or employees that help the social better and better, rather than they can achieve individualized advantage. Of course, I totally concur with the first statement because in order to be excellent
people
 not hard, yet not everyone can do it. Most aims of
schools
 help their enlistment become good
people
. At the present time, the awareness of undergraduates will receive a lot of respect from everyone because they always have an awareness of protecting the environment of the school.
For instance
, the aware recruitment will pick up litter from the schoolyard or other sites into rubbish bins to make the educated environment fresher and fresher.
Furthermore
, morals
also
 get admiration and help from teachers.
For example
, when you get some hard homework, you will receive a concentrated introduction to
this
 homework from your teachers.
Additionally
,
schools
 will do anything that can make their admission to be a beneficial person for the country.
On the other hand
, the university cannot exist long-term to train their student to be good citizens and workers.
That is
 because they should teach and help them find a career or some skills of our lifestyles. We can easily see that in Vietnam, the government usually indicates main subjects rather than social subjects
such
 as Math, English or Chemistry.
However
, nowadays, we hardly find suited jobs or which we want to do,
whereas
 in social, there are a lot of jobs with various majority. So, academies ought to assist in finding the talents of students and it can improve the quality of society. In conclusion, the academies must train their pupils to become good
people
 and help them reach suited jobs that depend on their talents.
Additionally
, the education of
schools
 should spend equal time on everything, and it will benefit our communities.
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task achievement
To achieve a higher score in task achievement, ensure that your essay consistently provides clear, comprehensive ideas and strengthens arguments with more specific and detailed examples.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on improving the logical structure of your essay. Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next, and each point builds clearly upon the previous one.
general
Also, focus on reducing grammatical and lexical inaccuracies to ensure your ideas are clearly understood.
general
The introduction and conclusion are both present and address the main topic of the essay.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples to support your main points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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