IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help prevent illness and diseas. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

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People
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 have different views as to whether the
government
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 should pay more attention to decreasing environmental
pollution
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 and housing issues in order to deter
illness
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 and
disease
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. In my perspective, despite mitigating environmental degradation and housing problems bringing about many more benefits, I firmly believe that the
government
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 should focus on other fields to assist
probihit
Correct word choice
in preventing
show examples
illness
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 and
disease
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. On the one hand, there are two main reasons why decreasing environmental
pollution
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 and housing issues could hinder
illness
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 and
disease
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. Nowadays, the main source of
illness
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 comes from several kinds of
pollution
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, especially air
pollution
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.
For instance
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, there is evidence that a lot of
people
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 in the northern part of Thailand have been diagnosed with lung cancer for more than the past decade
due to
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 air
pollution
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 called PM 2.5.
Furthermore
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, a variety of diseases are located in a slum or an unhealthy community, which directly affects the homeless.
As a result
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, the
government
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 must ensure that every person has proper living places in order to avoid pests
such
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 as rats or cockroaches as they are
disease
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 carriers.
On the other hand
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, there are other areas that the
government
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 should focus on to hinder
illness
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 and
disease
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.
Firstly
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, the
government
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 must enhance the state of science in the country because there is a shortage of scientists and doctors in the job market. Having more scientists means that
people
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 will have a better understanding of germs and diseases, which leads to new vaccines and medical treatments.
This
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 means that it could save countless
people
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 from sickness and death.
In addition
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, the subject of science can cause scientific and technological breakthroughs, creating more advanced technologies to prevent
illness
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 and
disease
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such
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 as genetic engineering. In conclusion,
although
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 focusing on environmental
pollution
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 and housing problems could be an ideal method to prevent
illness
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 and
disease
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, I genuinely believe that paying attention to science is a practical solution in the long run.

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task achievement
You provided a complete and relevant response to the task. Your ideas were generally clear and well-developed, but there is room for improvement in some areas, particularly in providing more specific examples and elaborating on your key points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay had a clear and logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph had a distinct main point, demonstrating coherence. However, the cohesion could be slightly improved by using more diverse linking words and ensuring smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's introduction and conclusion were well-crafted, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
The main points were clearly supported with relevant and specific examples, particularly the one about air pollution in northern Thailand.
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