IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Government investment in the art, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Government must invest this money in public services instead. Do you agree or disagree

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I disagree with the idea that government should invest in
art
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,
such
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 as music and theatre because it can boost our economy in the right direction.It will eventually increase the demand by which businesses will generate. If the government invests money in the field of
art
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, more tourists will visit our country and it will help our country to grow.
In addition
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,The unemployed
people
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 will become able to sell different things in tourist spots like water and snacks etc.
For instance
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,
According to
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 a report by the US government,67%
unemployed
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of unemployed
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people
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 have started to earn money for their living just by selling small accessories to tourists because
people
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 from all over the world come to the US to enjoy their music. For
this
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, one of the main reasons is that the law has spent a huge amount of tax on the Music industry. If authorities will invest funds in just public
services
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then
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 there will be no inflow of cash from other countries only communities within the state will be benefitted and no businesses will be generated.
Instead
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, If we invest in
art
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then
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 demand will increase and more opportunities will be generated.
For example
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,In Pakistan authorities only invest in public
services
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as a result
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,a very small number of tourists come to Pakistan and there is no remarkable amount of money in Pakistan that comes from other countries.So,we can say that more investment should be made in
art
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 rather than public
services
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. In conclusion, I disagree with the idea that the law should invest more in public
services
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. It is clear from the above discussion,If a country needs improvement, employment and more opportunities for
people
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then
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 the law should invest more in
art
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 than public
services
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.

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task achievement
Ensure there is a clear introduction that outlines your stance on the issue more explicitly. The current introduction is somewhat abrupt and should more clearly introduce the topic.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the coherence of your essay by improving transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Some points seem a bit disjointed.
coherence cohesion
Work on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to avoid awkward phrasing and minor errors, which could improve the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Try to discuss counterarguments briefly to show a more balanced view before reinforcing your own perspective. This will showcase a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the main points, like the example from the US government report.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion clearly restates the main points and reinforces your stance on the issue, providing a strong closure.
task achievement
The use of real-world examples helps to substantiate the argument, making it more persuasive.
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