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Band 7

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
In modern times,
music
 has greatly benefited in many positive ways. An easy outlet for stress relief and rejuvenation,
music
 can bring
people
 of different backgrounds or ages together, as some
people
 think. I totally agree with
this
 idea,
people
 with different mentalities can
dance
 to the same song repertoire accompany the singer or listen to the same
music
. First of all, the
songs
 work on the soul of many
people
 from young to old. But sometimes it is seen that young
people
 have more fun than old
people
. Young
people
 sometimes
dance
 or listen to the lyrics without paying attention until the elders want to understand the meaning of the lyrics. After all, every individual has the pleasure before the end.
Although
songs
 affect
people
, their tastes gradually change.
This
 time, not only age or tradition but
also
 delights bring
people
 together.
On the other hand
, there are different kinds of
music
 in every tone in every language. Some prefer
songs
 without words,
that is
,
songs
 played on any instrument,
while
 others do not pay attention to
this
. Some
people
 just like the melody of the song without paying attention to the lyrics. Those who listen in different languages choose the meaning of the song. Many nationalities are already known for their
songs
.
For example
, when you think of talents,
people
 who have energy and
dance
 come to mind. Nepali
songs
 that have won global love are number-one
dance
songs
 for parties. So
music
 is the key to bringing
people
 together
To conclude
,
although
music
 plays differently for each soul, it is an advantage for many to enjoy together. Whether you understand the meaning or not,
people
 can come to a common path from the melody.
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear position, but it would benefit from more specific examples and expanded points to strengthen the argument. For instance, mentioning specific instances where music has successfully brought people together, like international music festivals or cross-generational concerts, could help.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and presents an introduction and conclusion. However, it could benefit from smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas. Consider using transitional phrases to better connect your points.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position, making it clear to the reader from the beginning where you stand on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your arguments, reinforcing your viewpoint in a succinct manner.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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