IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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In modern times,
music
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 has greatly benefited in many positive ways. An easy outlet for stress relief and rejuvenation,
music
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 can bring
people
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 of different backgrounds or ages together, as some
people
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 think. I totally agree with
this
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 idea,
people
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 with different mentalities can
dance
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 to the same song repertoire accompany the singer or listen to the same
music
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. First of all, the
songs
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 work on the soul of many
people
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 from young to old. But sometimes it is seen that young
people
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 have more fun than old
people
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. Young
people
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 sometimes
dance
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 or listen to the lyrics without paying attention until the elders want to understand the meaning of the lyrics. After all, every individual has the pleasure before the end.
Although
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songs
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 affect
people
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, their tastes gradually change.
This
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 time, not only age or tradition but
also
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 delights bring
people
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 together.
On the other hand
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, there are different kinds of
music
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 in every tone in every language. Some prefer
songs
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 without words,
that is
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,
songs
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 played on any instrument,
while
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 others do not pay attention to
this
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. Some
people
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 just like the melody of the song without paying attention to the lyrics. Those who listen in different languages choose the meaning of the song. Many nationalities are already known for their
songs
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.
For example
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, when you think of talents,
people
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 who have energy and
dance
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 come to mind. Nepali
songs
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 that have won global love are number-one
dance
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songs
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 for parties. So
music
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 is the key to bringing
people
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 together
To conclude
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,
although
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music
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 plays differently for each soul, it is an advantage for many to enjoy together. Whether you understand the meaning or not,
people
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 can come to a common path from the melody.
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear position, but it would benefit from more specific examples and expanded points to strengthen the argument. For instance, mentioning specific instances where music has successfully brought people together, like international music festivals or cross-generational concerts, could help.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and presents an introduction and conclusion. However, it could benefit from smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas. Consider using transitional phrases to better connect your points.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position, making it clear to the reader from the beginning where you stand on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your arguments, reinforcing your viewpoint in a succinct manner.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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