IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic: Obesity is a major healthy problem. What are the causes of this problem? What can be done to solve this problem?

#topic #obesity
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Nowadays, A primary health issue is
Obesity
 there are many causes of
this
problem
. I personally believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 a
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
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 diet and lack of exercise are the main roots of
this
problem
.
However
,
this
 point can be improved by the government and community. A major cause of
Obesity
 is personality meals. Most people have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased popularity at fast-food restaurants which usually contain ingredients of flour, sugar, and fat when consumed for a long time, it causes to overweight
problem
.
For example
, junk food restaurants in Thailand
such
 as KCF have been famous and most of the popularity that were researched by delivery applications their discount campaign was sold out after the announcement for 7 seconds.
For
this
 reason, the number of obesities in Thailand is high for one-third of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
. To solve
this
problem
, governments should publicize nutrition balance and make people who have awareness of
a
Correct article usage
apply
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clean foods. Another cause of
Obesity
, Lack of exercise is the
most
Correct word choice
biggest
show examples
 issue
of
Change preposition
for
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 certain people. They are living with a long time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the day for their work or study, based on
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the desk and electronic tools rather than physical activity so they are unable to burn the extra calories or
body building
Correct your spelling
bodybuilding
show examples
. The best solution to
this
problem
;
parents
Add a missing verb
is parents
show examples
 and social
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
. Like,
Company
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Companies
show examples
,
Colleague
Fix the agreement mistake
Colleagues
show examples
, and
School
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should jointly develop
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 for exercise that will help to improve a healthy life.
To sum up
,
Obesity
 is a significant
problem
 and
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
improvement,
However
, it is a
problem
 with clear solutions, should
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and community be willing to try them.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

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grammar
Work on improving sentence structure and grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity. For example, 'A major cause of Obesity is personality meals' can be rephrased to 'A major cause of obesity is individuals' dietary choices.'
development
Expand on each point with more detail and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, provide data or studies to support your claims about the impact of fast food on obesity rates.
balance
Ensure a more balanced approach by discussing both causes equally in terms of detail and length. Currently, the first cause (diet) is more developed than the second (lack of exercise).
task response
The essay addresses both parts of the task by discussing the causes of obesity and suggesting solutions.
coherence
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.
structure
Points are generally organized in a logical manner.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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