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Band 4

Governments should provide care and finance for retired people while others believe that people themselves should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #care #finance #people #money
Nowadays, many
people
 argue that the government must give care and financial help
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 retired
people
.
On the other hand
, others believe that
people
 themselves should save
money
 for retirement. I will discuss them with reasons why both of them think like that. First and foremost, retirement can be costly as compared to younger times because too many elderly have a variety
diseases
Change preposition
of diseases
show examples
such
 as heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
, cancer, and other illnesses, and they need
money
 for
this
 consumption.
Moreover
, If they have a child in a university era,
this
 situation creates a compelling situation for their family budget.
For
this
 reason, They must have different investments for their retirement time. They should be ready to position for these expenditures
On the contrary
, many
people
 advocate that they should save
money
 for the future.
Furthermore
, sometimes governments don't have enough
money
 to give retired
people
. In these circumstances, They should have enough
money
 to protect their life standard. Some
people
 think That They need an accumulation if they want to own sustainability. Briefly, many
people
 protect different thoughts to find a solution to
this
 problem. It is changeable from person to person. All in all, Too many
people
 have diverse answers to
this
 question. In my opinion, both of them are right for their life perspective. I hope that I might explain
this
 issue clearly with reasons.
Submitted by barmanakarsu on

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task achievement
The essay introduces the topic and presents both views but lacks depth in the arguments. Try to elaborate more on each viewpoint with additional details and examples to strengthen the discussion.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is structured with an introduction and conclusion, the body paragraphs need clearer topic sentences to guide the reader. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and logically flows from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Work on connectedness between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases to help with the logical progression of ideas. This will make your essay more cohesive and easier to follow.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion by considering both perspectives. This demonstrates an understanding of the topic and a fair approach to the argument.
task achievement
Using real-life scenarios, such as the cost of healthcare and education, helps relate the topic to everyday situations. This approach makes the essay more relatable and grounded in reality.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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