IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other type of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#governments #progress #people #type #country
Economic
progress
 is a priority for many governments. Meanwhile, some of the local citizens consider other kinds of
progress
 as important as economic
progress
. I think that all types of
progress
 are equal because citizen’s satisfaction doesn’t depend only on the finances of the
country
. On the one hand, finances play a great role in a
country
’s development. When the economic condition is good, the city will improve more and more, because infrastructure, low taxes, and other factors which make local people happy, require a great deal of money.
For example
, let’s take a look at the United Arab Emirates. A
country
 with perfect financial status. The
country
 is picturesque
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and breathtaking and individuals are happy there.
On the other hand
, educational and medical
progress
 are equally as important as financial. Decent conditions for studying will grow up literate and sensible people and the
country
 will have more chances for a bright future. Medicine should be taken into account
as well as
 the factors mentioned above.
Furthermore
, free treatment for diseases which require a great deal of money should be provided at least for people with financial problems , because it will have a positive impact not only on citizens, but
for countries
Replace the word
on the country's
show examples
 reputation. By way of illustration - Turkey. Doctors are treated very well there and so patients are.
To conclude
, a
country
’s development will not depend only on finances, but medicine and education are
also
 necessary for the nation. Only by balancing all these factors
together
Add a comma
together,
show examples
country
 will develop.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a sensible balance between different types of progress: economic, educational, and medical. However, some arguments could be further developed to strengthen your point.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the logical flow of your essay. This will improve the overall coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be rephrased for better clarity. For example, 'individuals are happy there' could be replaced with 'citizens enjoy a high quality of life.' This slight adjustment in phrasing will add more sophistication to your essay.
task achievement
You successfully included an introduction and a conclusion, providing a complete response to the task.
task achievement
You used relevant examples to support your points, such as referencing the UAE and Turkey.
task achievement
Your paragraphs each focus on clear, comprehensive ideas which demonstrate your viewpoints well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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