IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, governments should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

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A controversial argument has arisen between two views, the first viewpoint claims that art is unnecessary because it does not enhance
people
Use synonyms
's skills.
while
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 the other one disagrees with that. In
this
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 report, I will go through both sides of
this
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 conflict, and
then
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 allow me
to conclude
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 my point of view. On the one hand, art is important in a variety of fields, so it is essential to keep improving the facilities
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
related to it. For
further
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 explanation, painting, playing music, drawing, and singing are ways to feel relaxed and peaceful, and many
people
Use synonyms
 rely on these activities to forget their personal issues;
as a result
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,
governments
Use synonyms
 should spend money to improve the foundations that teach or show artistic projects.
Also
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, fairs and museums are profitable and a lot of tourists
as well as
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 locals like to go there.
For example
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, in KSA, after enhancing these facilities, more
people
Use synonyms
 were attracted to go there;
as a consequence
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, the kingdom's economy dramatically
raised
Verb problem
increased
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, these facilities are money-consuming
while
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 there are more important fields that
governments
Use synonyms
 should concentrate on. To illustrate that,
governments
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' main aim should be to improve primary and needful aspects
such
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 as schools, hospitals, public transportation, and police stations.
In addition
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, they should spend their money to protect the planet
instead
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 of spending it on useless museums.
Additionally
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, many studies capture that art does not improve the quality of
people
Use synonyms
,
while
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 there are other things that are extremely helpful like STEM subjects, and scientific museums;
therefore
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, it is recommended to spend money on improving these useful aspects. In conclusion,
although
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 artistic projects are helpful, beneficial, useful, and profitable, there are other, and more important, aspects that
governments
Use synonyms
 should improve;
hence
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, I completely agree with the statement mentioned above.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear and complete response to the task, covering both sides of the argument effectively. To achieve a higher score, ensure that your thesis statement is more specific and directly addresses your stance on the issue.
task achievement
The examples you provided are relevant, but adding a few more specific details or studies to support your points could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is good, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point. However, ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth and clear.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framework for your argument. To improve, try to make your introduction more engaging and your conclusion more impactful by summarizing the key points more succinctly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are well supported with clear examples and explanations. This will make your argument more convincing.
general
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings to make your writing more fluid and professional.
task achievement
Your essay effectively covers both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view on the topic.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, which makes your argument more credible.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for each point, making it easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framework for your argument.
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