IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries, the government likes to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both sides and giver your opinion.

#countries #government #money #arts #people #health #education #giver
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Nowadays, it is becoming common to allocate the
government
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's funds to the
arts
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.
Although
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 some
people
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 agree with
this
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 trend, others argue that these funds should be arranged for
health
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 and education.
This
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 essay will explain both opinions and why I believe the benefits of the
arts
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 can outweigh the drawbacks because of
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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for
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of
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 a sense of unity and an energetic life.
To begin
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 with the negatives, some
people
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 assert that the
government
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 should spend more on
health
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 and education. In Japan, as an ageing country, the
government
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 is facing a significant increase in welfare. Research recently conducted by the Ministry of
Health
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 in Japan discovered that the allocation for
health
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 care services consists of about half of the total budget
this
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 year, which is anticipated to increase in decades. If the
government
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 reduces
this
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money
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, the elderly
people
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 cannot manage their higher bills for prescriptions from doctors.
However
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, I believe the benefits of the
arts
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 can surpass the disadvantages. The
arts
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 often bring a sense of unity.
For example
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, when
people
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 visit a museum and see some art with their relatives, they can share their own feelings, which is useful for bringing
people
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 together.
Additionally
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, the
arts
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 can reduce stress.
According to
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 an article by Nikkei newspaper, it is a practical way to reduce anxiety by drawing pictures. 70% of the patients in the hospital felt more relaxed during these activities.
As a result
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,
people
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 can live more energetically via the
arts
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. In conclusion,
although
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 it is essential to use the
money
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 for
health
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 and education,
this
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money
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 should be
also
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 allocated to the
arts
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. We must consider the balance of using
money
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 in these fields.
Submitted by nao.bb0820 on

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task achievement
You've done well in presenting both sides of the argument and providing your own opinion. However, to enhance your essay further, consider providing more detailed examples and explanations to make your points stronger.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Be mindful of the flow between paragraphs. For instance, the transition from discussing the drawbacks to the benefits could be made smoother with linking phrases.
task achievement
Good job on clearly stating your opinion and providing relevant examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, and each paragraph transitions well to the next one.
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