In many countries, the government likes to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both sides and giver your opinion.
Nowadays, it is becoming common to allocate the
government
's funds to the arts
. Although
some people
agree with this
trend, others argue that these funds should be arranged for health
and education. This
essay will explain both opinions and why I believe the benefits of the arts
can outweigh the drawbacks because of benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
for
a sense of unity and an energetic life.
Change preposition
of
To begin
with the negatives, some people
assert that the government
should spend more on health
and education. In Japan, as an ageing country, the government
is facing a significant increase in welfare. Research recently conducted by the Ministry of Health
in Japan discovered that the allocation for health
care services consists of about half of the total budget this
year, which is anticipated to increase in decades. If the government
reduces this
money
, the elderly people
cannot manage their higher bills for prescriptions from doctors.
However
, I believe the benefits of the arts
can surpass the disadvantages. The arts
often bring a sense of unity. For example
, when people
visit a museum and see some art with their relatives, they can share their own feelings, which is useful for bringing people
together. Additionally
, the arts
can reduce stress. According to
an article by Nikkei newspaper, it is a practical way to reduce anxiety by drawing pictures. 70% of the patients in the hospital felt more relaxed during these activities. As a result
, people
can live more energetically via the arts
.
In conclusion, although
it is essential to use the money
for health
and education, this
money
should be also
allocated to the arts
. We must consider the balance of using money
in these fields.Submitted by nao.bb0820 on
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task achievement
You've done well in presenting both sides of the argument and providing your own opinion. However, to enhance your essay further, consider providing more detailed examples and explanations to make your points stronger.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Be mindful of the flow between paragraphs. For instance, the transition from discussing the drawbacks to the benefits could be made smoother with linking phrases.
task achievement
Good job on clearly stating your opinion and providing relevant examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, and each paragraph transitions well to the next one.