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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #health #person #services #companies #care
Some believe that staying healthy is so crucial that medical services should be accessible to all,
therefore
 profit-making companies should not run
this
service
.
Although
 private
health
 can provide high-quality
service
,
this
 advantage is outweighed by its drawbacks to inequality and profitable treatments. The most advantageous of private
health
care
 is the quality of
service
. To put it simply, to become attractive, these companies invest significantly in facilities, patient
care
, etc,
thus
 there will be a good experience for patients in the process of curing.
However
, in many developed countries public hospitals are
also
 upgraded by the government to make them more accessible for residents,
therefore
 not only private hospitals have good
service
 but
also
 public ones.
As a result
, many residents choose public hospitals over private healthcare because of the downsides of it.
Nevertheless
, I think that private
health
care
 has more disadvantages.
First,
the inequality will be increased because the
service
 is based on the patient’s ability to pay, leading to fewer options for low-income individuals, and aggravating the gap between the rich and the poor.
Secondly
, owing to earning money, the private providers usually prioritize the methods, and solutions that are more profitable or try to prolong the process of curing to receive more benefits from patients.
Consequently
, private
health
care
 is only suitable for affluent individuals. In conclusion, I am not in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the opinion that profit-making companies operate medical services as private
health
care
 because of unfair situations and financial cures,
although
 these organizations can offer a high standard of
service
 for wealthy patients
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task achievement
Your essay could be strengthened by including more specific examples to illustrate your points. For instance, mentioning specific countries or healthcare systems could provide a clearer picture.
task achievement
Ensure that your arguments are well-balanced by acknowledging the counterpoints more fully. While you did mention the high quality of service in private healthcare, you could elaborate a bit more on why some people might prefer this option despite the potential drawbacks.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a greater variety of cohesive devices to link your ideas together more smoothly. This will improve the flow of your essay and make it easier to follow your line of reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion. This helps frame your arguments effectively from the beginning and wraps them up nicely at the end.
task achievement
You have done a good job at addressing the task prompt comprehensively, discussing both sides of the argument before coming to a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are clear and logically structured, making it easy to understand your main points and follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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