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Band 6

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work
It is widely believed that elder
people
 should join work if they would like to.
While
 many
people
 disagree with
this
 argument, I think that it is a good idea for them. Working helps them feel happier despite their old age and lack of flexibility. When retiring, the old tend to live alone because of the lack of
time
 for the arrival of their sons, and daughters.
Therefore
, keeping their work is one of the ways that they can spend their
time
. To be more specific, many elder
people
 in Japan decide to work
instead
 of staying home. Many newspapers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and organizations assume that working helps them stay away from the feeling of being alone.
This
 emotion may get worse and become stressful if it happens for a long
time
. Not only preventing them from the feeling of being alone
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 helping them enhance the financial burden on their sons and daughters. In many poor families, earning money is one of the reasons that elder
people
 decide to keep working. Even if the amount of money they get is not much, it
also
 supports their daughters and sons.
Moreover
,
this
 idea may help them stay in a healthy life, which prevents them from being ill and can get tons of money.
In addition
, their decision helps their children
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can concentrate on their careers
instead
 of spending most
time
 taking care of them. In conclusion, despite some negative opinions about
this
 topic, I keep holding onto the idea that
this
 helps a lot not only elder
people
 but
also
 in many aspects of their lives.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

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task achievement
Ensure a more balanced approach by addressing possible counterarguments, such as potential health risks associated with older individuals continuing to work.
coherence cohesion
Work on grammar and sentence structure to enhance overall clarity and accuracy in the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
relevant specific examples
The essay makes good use of specific examples, particularly the mention of elder people working in Japan, to support the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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