IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the prices of fast food will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #prices #food
Many
people
 nowadays have high levels of weight . Fast
food
 is the main reason of overweight and the government should put taxes
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 it and
prices
 must be
more high
Replace the words
higher
show examples
. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will write about two points of view .
Firstly
 ,
Correct article usage
a human
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
human
Add the comma(s)
human,
show examples
 who eats always from
resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
on
Change preposition
in
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 the future
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be sick .
Secondly
 , fast
food
destroy
Change the verb form
destroys
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human health so
resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
restaurant
 managers must make the price of
this
food
 the highest
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 all types of
food
 .
Moreover
 , when the
prices
 go on not all
people
 will
can
Remove a modal verb
apply
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buy it because not all
people
 are riches .
Also
 ,
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 will buy healthy
food
 from markets like vegetables , fruits and meets when they see the high
prices
 of fast
food
.
In addition
 ,
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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really love fast
food
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will buy it
although
Change preposition
at
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the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 huge price .
Besides
 , high
prices
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not always
reason
Add an article
a reason
show examples
 to stop
eat
Change the form of the verb
eating
show examples
 it because
man
Correct article usage
a man
show examples
 who
love
Correct subject-verb agreement
loves
show examples
 it absolutely
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will work hard to get money and buy it .
Additionally
 , not all
people
did not
Verb problem
apply
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buy unhealthy
food
 because they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not
had
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 money to buy it maybe they can not eat it or they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not like it so there are more reasons to not eat fast
food
 .
To conclude
 , raising the
prices
 of fast
food
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
 a
sullotion
Correct your spelling
solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 obesity .
Finally
 , there are many types of
people
poors
Correct your spelling
poor
 and
richs
Correct your spelling
riches
rich
 and not all of them can buy expensive
food
thats meen
Correct your spelling
That means
 raising the
prices
 of fast
food
 some times
eill
Correct your spelling
will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
solve
this
 problem
and
Correct word choice
but
show examples
some times
Correct your spelling
sometimes
show examples
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
.
Submitted by alkmariam345 on

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task achievement
The essay needs a clearer and more concise thesis statement to outline the writer's stance. For instance, instead of stating 'In this essay I will write about two points of view,' consider specifying your position on the issue.
task achievement
Develop your points further by providing specific examples, studies, or statistics to make your arguments more persuasive and relevant.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay has a clear structure: introduction, body paragraphs with one idea each, and a strong conclusion restating your argument and summarizing key points.
coherence cohesion
Use paragraphs more effectively. Start each body paragraph with a topic sentence that states the main point, followed by supporting sentences with examples and details.
task achievement
Pay attention to grammar, punctuation, and vocabulary usage to make your essay clearer and more professional. Misuse of words can lead to misunderstanding of your arguments.
task achievement
The writer has made an effort to address both sides of the argument, which shows an understanding of the topic's complexity.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical progression through the essay, with points following each other in a coherent manner.
task achievement
The essay touches upon important issues related to fast food and health, demonstrating awareness of real-world problems.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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