IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities.Others, however, say that this would have little affect on public health and other measure are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Reports stated that the
health
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 levels of many citizens have deteriorated. The optimum way to address
this
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 problem is by adding the number of
sports
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facilities
Use synonyms
,
however
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, others argue that
this
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 solution will only make a slight impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 public
health
Use synonyms
therefore
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, another measure must be taken.
This
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 essay will discuss both arguments and state my opinion. Rationally, by providing gymnasiums and
sports
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 fields,
individuals
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 will feel more motivated to start exercising.
Additionally
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, these
facilities
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 should be built close to the housing areas, the the location will be reachable by the residents.
Furthermore
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, regular physical activities will help to prevent and combat some
health
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 issues
such
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 as obesity.
As a result
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, the
health
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 index will eventually increase.
In contrast
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, some argue that the main problem of the falling
health
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 levels is not about
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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facilities
Use synonyms
 but lies in the motivation of the
individuals
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. Nowadays,
individuals
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 lack of motivation to keep themself fit
due to
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 their hectic daily schedules. On that note, the easy access
of
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to
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 gym
facilities
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 will be meaningless because there is no guarantee residents will use them.
Moreover
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, gaining a fit body is not only about doing physical exercises, other aspects
such
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 as regular diet and daily lifestyles must
also
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 be considered as crucial. Insufficient knowledge about diet’s nutrition and unhealthy daily
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 will significantly ruin
Use synonyms
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
health
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, the establishment of
sports
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facilities
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 will only faintly impact
individuals
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.
Thus
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, other actions should
also
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 be implemented by the governments
such
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 as grading the nutrition for pre-packaged food and empowering the work-life balance habit by limiting the
work-hours
Correct your spelling
work hours
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 for workers. In conclusion, the
declining
Replace the word
decline
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 index
within
Change preposition
among
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 many citizens is caused by many factors including the lack of physical activities, unhealthy diets, and poor daily lifestyles.
Hence
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, only providing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
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 will not be enough to resolve
this
Linking Words
 problem. Other regulations must be created to spread
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy diets and lifestyles
within
Change preposition
among
show examples
 people.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets the stage for the discussion, but it could be enhanced by being slightly more explicit about the individual issues of the two viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphs. However, ensure each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next to maintain a more seamless flow.
task achievement
While the main points are supported, adding more specific examples and evidence can further strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
There are a couple of language errors, such as 'the the location' and 'lack of motivation.' Review for these minor mistakes to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion nicely encapsulates the discussion. However, emphasizing the interconnectedness of the different factors contributing to public health could add depth.
task achievement
Your essay showcases a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, which demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively crafted, making your essay easy to follow.
task achievement
You address multiple factors affecting public health, showing a well-rounded approach to the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • physical activities
  • fitness
  • obesity rates
  • sports centers
  • mental well-being
  • motivation
  • education
  • public health campaigns
  • nutritional education
  • preventative healthcare
  • health screenings
  • long-term health outcomes
  • lifestyle changes
  • stress management
  • smoking cessation
  • alcohol consumption
  • comprehensive public health improvement
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