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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In contemporary times, it is not uncommon for children to pay considerable attention to their
smartphones
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. In
this
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 essay, I argue that convenience and interesting software are the two primary reasons for
this
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 phenomenon and think that they are a detriment in terms of education. One significant reason is that
smartphones
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 can provide many benefits, particularly in the aspect of convenience.
For instance
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, compared with earlier periods, people can utilize intelligent phones to message more efficiently. There are many Apps,
such
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 as Line, Google Meets, and Discord,
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 send information instantaneously;
furthermore
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, Google Meets even provides the function of face-to-face, thereby increasing the quality of conversation.
Consequently
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,
this
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 is why some individuals use their phones every day
not to mention
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 young people. Another crucial reason is that intelligent cell phones present a substantial number of
video
Use synonyms
games
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 for humans and lead them addicted.
For example
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, approximately 15 years ago, Steve Jobs, the first CEO of Apple, created the iPhone 1, containing Angry Birds, Temple Run and other multi-faceted
video
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games
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 to grasp the attention of customers. In
this
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 case, it was successful, and most humans have various Apple devices for surfing or playing
video
Use synonyms
games
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 by them.
In addition
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, many educational experts have suggested that the times of playing
video
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games
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 have significantly risen after
smartphones
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 began developing.
While
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smartphones
Use synonyms
 can indeed provide numerous advantages, I think that
this
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 is a jeopardous development, especially for education.
For instance
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, it is true that current pupils consistently use
smartphones
Use synonyms
 in class rather than concentrating on learning.
This
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 is because
smartphones
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 have a higher likelihood of attracting the interest of children compared to learning their subjects.
However
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, inevitably,
this
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 trend will diminish their learning efficiency, ultimately resulting in them losing their quality of knowledge absorption.
To sum up
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,
smartphones
Use synonyms
 can indeed provide some benefits or more interesting entertainment.
Additionally
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,
this
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 is more likely to decrease the quality of education, especially for children.

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task achievement
Ensure that all topics are fully elaborated. Sometimes, points are mentioned without extensive detail. For example, further elaboration on how smartphones affect education negatively would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions. While the essay is generally cohesive, improving the flow between paragraphs can enhance readability and comprehension.
coherence cohesion
Try to use varied sentence structures to enhance readability and keep the reader engaged. Simple and compound sentences can sometimes feel repetitive.
task achievement
Clear point-of-view and thorough discussion of both reasons and opinion regarding smartphone usage among children.
coherence cohesion
Well-structured essay with an evident introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples to support main points, particularly the references to apps and historical context of smartphone development.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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