IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people work long long hours, leaving very little for leisure activities.

#people #work #hours #leisure #activities
A significant number of individuals dedicate extensive periods of
time
 to their employment, resulting in a limited amount of leisure
time
 available. First of all, many
people
 have their own job with their requirements.
Such
 as police officers, soldiers, special forces or civil servants. And sometimes they have to
work
 a full day without even taking a break or going to bed, because they are working for their country, no matter what happens. And
this
 type of
work
 can affect the employee in a bad direction.
However
, most government jobs include breaks like holidays or all kinds of privileges like free medical care and no taxes.
Nevertheless
, working for a government was always the hardest job for humans.
Although
 they have a lot of privileges, they sometimes forget about their own
time
 like leisure.
According to
 what I said, they have to
work
 without sleep.
This
 is why most
people
 do not choose to
work
 for their country.
On the other hand
, we have less employed
people
such
 as
businessman
Fix the agreement mistake
businessmen
show examples
 or other professionals. In other words, they have quite more free
time
 after
work
.
For instance
, crypto investors can do their
work
 in the morning and
then
 have a lot of leisure activities. As
time
 shows,
such
people
 can be very successful in life. They can do whatever they want, and sometimes those types of
people
 may be caught by the police because of their dishonest earnings. From my point of view,
people
 should get as much break as they worked. So they could have enough relaxation after the long working session.
Submitted by nigora1629 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Try to structure your essay more clearly, possibly by using clearer paragraph divisions and clearer topic sentences to begin each paragraph. This will help readers follow your argument more easily.
Task Achievement
It's important to maintain a consistent and relevant focus throughout your essay. Ensure that all examples and arguments directly support your main point or respond specifically to the task's topic.
General Advice
Use a wider range of grammatical structures and vocabulary. This can make your writing more fluid and interesting, enhancing both coherence and task achievement.
Content Depth
You provided a variety of examples and explored different perspectives on the topic.
Engagement with Topic
You made an effort to conclude your essay with your own viewpoint, which is a good practice.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: