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Band 6

Some people believe that technology has made man more social. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #technology #man
In
this
 modern world, the development of
technology
 brings many things to our lives,
such
 as phones, social software, the
internet
 and transportation. I agree that some people believe that
technology
 has made man more social. In
this
 essay, I will discuss that using
technology
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more convenient and quicker to
contact
 our family and
friends
.
Firstly
,
technology
 has made our communities
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
communicate with each other on the
internet
 more conveniently.
For example
, in the past, wanting to
contact
 distant
families
 and
friends
 was difficult; now we can
use
 social software to
contact
 our
families
 and
friends
 more easily.
Next,
in the past, we made different new
friends
 in reality, we made
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
friends
 from other countries, but now we
use
 the
Internet
 to make different new
friends
 in the world.
Hence
,
technology
 has made man more social.
Secondly
,
technology
 has allowed us to quickly connect with our
families
 and
friends
.
For example
, in the past, we needed to
use
 mailing which took a long time to reach our
families
 and
friends
; now
technology
 has made it efficient to connect with our
families
 and
friends
, and we never need to wait for mail.
Therefore
, we
use
 the
internet
 to quickly
contact
 our
families
 and
friends
. So,
technology
 has made the way we socialise faster than before. In conclusion,
technology
 brings many benefits to our lives.
Thus
,
technology
 has made our communities more convenient and quicker to connect with our
families
 and
friends
 at their own pace. So I predict that
technology
 will bring more benefits to society in the future.
Submitted by hanz.hyz326 on

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Language
Incorporate more variety in your vocabulary to avoid repetition and keep the reader engaged.
Coherence and Cohesion
Although your essay is well-organized, try adding transitional phrases for smoother flow between ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Consider adding a counterargument to show a balanced perspective on the topic.
Task Achievement
The essay presents clear and relevant main points, making it easy to follow your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and effectively frame your essay.
Task Achievement
The essay uses specific examples to support your main points, which helps to illustrate your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • social interaction
  • connect
  • communicate
  • video conferencing
  • stay in touch
  • online communities
  • forums
  • like-minded individuals
  • global communication
  • collaboration
  • access to information
  • knowledge
  • bridge the gap
  • social isolation
  • detachment
  • face-to-face communication
  • genuine human connection
  • maintain
  • real-life interactions
  • balance
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