IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Do you think people are more or less careful with their personal information nowadays compared to the past?

#people #information
Everyone has
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 freedom to express their
felling
Correct your spelling
feelings
show examples
 in any way, with expressing their feeling can make them relieved.
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
 many
people
expresses
Change the verb form
express
show examples
 their
information
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
, it different
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
people
 in the past
which
Correct word choice
when
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 many
people
 were prefer sharing with their friends or their family.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
 essay will describe
about
Remove the preposition
apply
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the way
people
sharing
Wrong verb form
share
show examples
 their
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 or personal
information
 in
this
 era and in the past. In the past before the technology
has develop
Wrong verb form
developed
show examples
 like now, anyone
did
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sharing
Change the verb form
share
show examples
 by
face
 to
face
 as expressing their feeling.
That
Correct pronoun usage
These
show examples
 things are natural because
people
 need to communicate their
information
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 find
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other perspective
solution
Correct word choice
and solution
show examples
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
Add an article
a problem
the problem
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
which their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
face
. Sharing
face to
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
face
 can keep our personal
information
save
Replace the word
safe
show examples
. Even if it
is not fully save
Change the verb form
is not fully saving
is not fully saved
show examples
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the personal
information
 just
spill
Change the verb form
spills
show examples
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
. Whatever the era
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a different,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
globalization
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 have a different
habbit
Correct your spelling
habit
such
 as the way to
sharing
Wrong verb form
share
show examples
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 each other. In
this
 modern life lot of
people
share
 their
information
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
 which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
everyone can see and
share
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of
people
 and it can be dangerous to
Add an article
a person
show examples
person
Change noun form
person's
show examples
 mental health because it can happen bullying and discrimination.
For example
share
 that
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 have different sexual
orientation
Fix the agreement mistake
orientations
show examples
 like LGBT which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not everyone can accept so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
incident
Fix the agreement mistake
incidents
show examples
 like discrimination can
be happened
Change to the active voice
happen
show examples
 depend on their audience
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their social
media
. The
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
 is
give
Fix the infinitive
to give
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personel
Correct your spelling
personal
information
 in the past in
face to
Correct your spelling
a face-to-face
show examples
face
 saver than sharing
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
 where many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 do it right now.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
express
Wrong verb form
when expressing
show examples
 what
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
thing
Correct your spelling
thinks
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
 no one can not control what
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other will do
such
 as discrimination
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
everybody has to be
carefull
Correct your spelling
careful
 what
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
they
share
 and who
will see
Wrong verb form
sees
show examples
 what
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
posting
Replace the word
post
show examples
 on social
media
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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To improve your task response, try to address the question more directly. Ensure that all parts of the prompt are answered thoroughly, and avoid going off-topic.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on the logical flow between paragraphs and make better use of linking words and phrases. This will help your essay read more smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay has some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. To improve, work on sentence structure and grammar accuracy. Consider getting feedback from a native speaker or using language learning tools.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which helps to frame your argument.
task achievement
You have made an effort to compare past and present behaviors, which is relevant to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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