Example 6: Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the punishment. Why are this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?
It is claimed that not only do criminals stop the act of felony after they are penalized, but they
also
keep committing more crimes
. This
is due to
the fact that they have been criminals for too long and have no other skills
. Moreover
, poverty can put them under intense pressure that leaves them no choice.
When offenders serve their punishment, they have no other skills
to develop in order to be honourable citizens and work hard. This
is due to
the long period of living as a criminal. Additionally
, many of them turned into a felon due to
the poor condition of their lives as well as
financial issues. Research on the rate of crimes
committed in 2012 in Iran indicated the dramatic increase in bank robberies, revealing the fact that most offences are because of economic disparity.
Nevertheless
, governments can provide occupational skills
for those who are in prison so that they can have a job when they are free again to make a living and avoid the act of felony. In addition
, for some types of crimes
, serious punishments must be ordered. A prime example of this
is Saudi Arabia, sentencing those who steal anything to a public penalty which is cutting both of their hands off. Although
this
rule might be brutal, the rate of smuggling and stealing is almost below 2% in this
country now.
In conclusion, those who still keep committing crimes
even after they are being punished are either under financial pressure or have no skills
to start a new occupation. Despite all these facts, governments can take action to develop these people's skills
while
in prison or intense penalties must be written to hinder serious crimes
.Submitted by abolfath50 on
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task achievement
You have addressed the task well and provided a comprehensive response. However, it would be beneficial to elaborate more on the examples and provide additional evidence or sources to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can be achieved by using linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your points. Additionally, the structure of your essay is clear, but try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and concluding sentence to enhance readability.
other
Ensure that your vocabulary range is varied to avoid repetition and to increase the lexical resource score. Also, be mindful of some grammatical inaccuracies and phrasing that could be clearer.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly outlines the issue at hand and sets the stage for the reader. This effectively engages the reader from the outset.
coherence cohesion
You provided a logical and coherent structure throughout the essay, with each paragraph focusing on a single main point.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates your stance, providing a strong end to your essay.
task achievement
The essay shows a clear and comprehensive understanding of the issue, with relevant arguments and examples provided to support your points.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic
Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.
You essay structure should look something like this:
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – Problems
- Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- One of the first problems of the...
- Another problem that needs to be considered...
- A possible solution to this problem would be...
- One immediate practical solution is to...