IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Successful sports professional can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#sports #money #people #professions
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Some people assume that it is fully justified for successful professional
sports
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 to make more
money
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 than other essential occupations. The writer of
this
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 essay believes that even though paying a wealth of
money
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 to
sports
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players
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 is necessary
due to
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 the appropriate recognition and motivation to enhance the quality of
sports
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, these
players
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 do not provide indispensable services
such
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 as doctors or teachers. It must be understood that these individuals do not create vital values for
society
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 as other jobs.
This
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 is because
sports
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 just satisfy the spectators on entertaining aspects,
whereas
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 many other occupations which are associated with healthcare, and education, prove their essential role to the
society
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 by continuously providing high standard service.
As a result
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, it is unfair for people who create indispensable services for
society
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 when they receive far less
money
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 than
sports
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 icons.
However
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,
sports
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 icons deserve to be high-salary. To put it simply, in order to become successful
sports
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players
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, they have to spend plenty of time practising, face the risks of injuries, and dedicate their strength to spectacular matches,
therefore
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 good salary is a suitable remuneration for them. Take Cristiano Ronaldo
for instance
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, before being famous, he experienced hours of practice every day, different diets, etc.
thus
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 he is worthy of a great deal of
money
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 because of his efforts. In my opinion, paying
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money
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 to
sports
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players
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 is an effective way to motivate the quality of the sport to develop.
In other words
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,
players
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 will be more working hard and put more
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 attempts into
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 and dedicating themselves to the fantastic tournament since they will receive a lot of
money
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 after these efforts.
As a result
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, the tournaments become more harsh in developed countries where professional
players
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 are paid large amounts of
money
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, In conclusion, despite it
is
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 unfair for some other important jobs because these
players
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 do not provide indispensable values for
society
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, the high salary is essential remuneration for
sports
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 icons because of their dedication and the motivation for them.
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coherence cohesion
To enhance your essay's impact, you could work on providing smoother transitions between paragraphs. This will help your arguments flow more naturally and enhance overall coherence.
task achievement
Consider providing a more balanced argument by elaborating on why other professional roles should also be highly compensated. This can make your discussion more nuanced and compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for readers to follow your main argument.
task achievement
You provided relevant specific examples, such as the one about Cristiano Ronaldo, which helped to illustrate your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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