IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that what children is their behaviour. other leave the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #behaviour #amount #time #television #influences
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It is argued that what
children
 watch on television significantly influences their
behaviour
,
while
 others believe that the amount of
time
 they spend watching TV is the key factor affecting their actions. In my opinion,
although
 both the
content
 and the viewing duration impact
children
’s
behaviour
, the
content
 they are exposed to has a more substantial effect. Those who think that the
content
children
 watch influences their
behaviour
 argue that exposure to violent or inappropriate material can lead to aggressive or undesirable actions.
This
 means that when
children
 frequently watch programs with negative themes or characters engaging in bad
behaviour
, they may imitate what they see on screen.
For instance
, a child who regularly watches violent cartoons may become more aggressive towards peers.
Additionally
, exposure to disrespectful attitudes and improper language may lead
children
 to adopt similar behaviours.
On the other hand
, proponents of the idea that the amount of
time
 spent watching television is more influential suggest that excessive TV viewing leads to passive lifestyles and reduced social interaction.
In other words
, when
children
 spend too much
time
 in front of the screen, they have fewer opportunities to engage in physical activities and social interactions.
As a result
, they may become sedentary and have difficulty developing social skills.
Moreover
, prolonged screen
time
 can negatively affect
children
’s attention spans and academic performance.
While
 both factors are significant, it is important to acknowledge that other influences,
such
 as family environment, peer interactions, and education,
also
 play crucial roles in shaping
children
’s
behaviour
.
However
, I believe that what
children
 watch has a more significant impact compared to viewing
time
 because it directly shapes their perceptions and actions.
Therefore
, parents and educators should monitor not only the amount of television
children
 watch but
also
 the
content
 they are exposed to.
Submitted by eparfenenkov on

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content
To achieve a top score, introduce a few more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments. This will enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
structure
While your essay is well-organized, consider discussing counterarguments in more detail to show a deeper understanding of the topic.
structure
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, which makes it easy to follow. Both the introduction and conclusion are well-defined, effectively framing your discussion.
content
You provide a comprehensive and balanced response to the task, addressing both perspectives on the issue and clearly stating your opinion.
content
The main points in your essay are well-developed and supported, making your arguments convincing and coherent.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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