IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Sports and exercise classes with more academic seasons. what is your opinion on this change how how this change will affect children's life in your view? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples for your own experience and knowledge

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Nowadays, the number of
sports
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 and
exercise
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 classes is increasing.
Although
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 some people argue that
sports
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 and
exercise
Use synonyms
 classes should have extra seasons, others disagree with the point of view. I completely agree that adding extra academic seasons for
sports
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 and
exercise
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 classes leads to improving the amount of protection of a healthy
body
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 and creates a great version of the
person
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.
Firstly
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, the first reason is to protect the
body
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 from any diseases. To explain, people need to do more
sports
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 activities to protect their life and
body
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 from any harm issues.
For example
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, COVID-19 is become for the one who does not preserve in his
body
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 and who does not do any
exercise
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 during the day.
As a result
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, since the
person
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 does more
exercise
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, his
body
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 becomes stronger.
Secondly
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, another reason is to create a great and stronger version of the
person
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. To clarify, when individuals do more
sports
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 activities they will remove all harmful
things
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 from their minds, which will lead to changing their thinks to good
things
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 to do amazing
things
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.
additionally
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, their ability of them to succeed will become high.
For instance
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, when the
person
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 does more extra academic season he will feel comfortable with no bad
things
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, and they become a great
person
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 with amazing ideas and thinks.
To sum up
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,
although
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 doing more extra seasons of
sports
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 and
exercise
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 is harmful to the
person
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, I strongly believe that doing more
exercise
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 is the most important thing during the day,
such
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 as keeping your
body
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 healthy and the
person
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 will be happy.

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coherence cohesion
While you have a clear introduction and conclusion, it would be beneficial to make a clearer thesis statement that directly reflects your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that states the main idea of the paragraph. This will improve the logical structure.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but try to provide more specific details to fully support your points. More clear and detailed examples will strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repeating words or phrases such as 'more sports activities.' Diversify your vocabulary for better readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good for overall coherence.
task achievement
You provided specific reasons for your opinion, making your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay maintains a positive and engaging tone throughout, which makes it more enjoyable to read.
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