IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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Recently,
children
Use synonyms
 have spent time too much on their
smartphones
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.
This
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 case happens because
smartphones
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 have become a fundamental necessity.
This
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 essay will discuss the positive impacts
such
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 as enhancing their knowledge and the negative effects to be unproductive people.
To begin
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, sophisticated technology can enrich
children
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’s knowledge
due to
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 the wealth of information there. These devices give more significant development to
children
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 because they can access educational platforms easily
such
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 as mathematics e-books, science e-journals, and nationality magazines.
Thus
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,
children
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 can improve their skills in both their soft and hard skills related to their lessons
such
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 as sports, public speaking, and interesting things that
children
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 can do perfectly.
Moreover
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, parents should supervise and maintain when
children
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 use their
smartphones
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 to avoid negative aspects.
However
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, technology can bring drawbacks for
children
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, particularly making
children
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 unproductive person. The main reason is that
children
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 are dependent on their gadgets disproportionately
such
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 as playing games online every day. It can
also
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 have negative effects
such
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 as decreasing productivity and low achievement in their knowledge. Apart from that, If parents cannot maintain every time when their
children
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 are using
smartphones
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, they may access negative content.
Therefore
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, parents should set boundaries for
children
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 to decrease their time using
smartphones
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.
To conclude
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, technology can bring positive and negative impacts on
children
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 based on proportionality. It can be useful when
children
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 use it to search for a lot of new information.
Otherwise
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, it may cause worse personalities for
children
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 because of their dependency on the game online.

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task achievement
The introduction of the essay is clear, but it could be more concise and focused. Mention that the essay will discuss both positive and negative impacts right from the beginning.
task achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to support your points. For instance, mention a specific educational app or a real-life example of a child's improvement in school because of smartphone use.
coherence and cohesion
Organize the essay more logically by clearly separating the discussion of positive and negative impacts. This will improve the flow and make your argument easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the transition between paragraphs. Use cohesive devices like 'Furthermore,' 'On the other hand,' and 'In addition,' to connect ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Ensure that all points mentioned in the introduction are addressed in the body of the essay. If you mention enhancing knowledge and productivity in the introduction, make sure those themes are explored thoroughly.
task achievement
The essay identifies both positive and negative aspects of children using smartphones, which shows a balanced perspective.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
There is a good attempt to discuss impacts on children's soft and hard skills, which adds depth to the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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