IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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In
this
 modern era, humans have developed many smart devices. The mobile phone is one of them, it is portable and used by everyone today. There are so many social apps and games which attract
children
 and they spend hours on their smartphones.
This
 trend has a negative impact on
children
 because they spend less
time
 on their studies and it is not good for the
body
 as well. The first and foremost negative impact is on
time
 management. Often it is seen that kids who spend most of their
time
 playing games on their mobile phones are not efficient in their studies.
For example
, an article published in The New York Times shows that more than 50 per cent of youngsters are not able to perform well because they spend most of their
time
 on their mobile phones. Chatting with friends and watching reels are the most popular these days. Another negative effect is on the
body
. It is often seen that youngster lying all day on their beds and do not do any physical activities. Which results in increased obesity. Even more, it is not good for the eyes as well.
For instance
, these days more than 70 per cent of
children
 wear glasses. In conclusion,
it is clear that
 heavy usage of phones not only impacts the studies of
children
 but the
body
 as well. So phone usage should be limited and parents have to make sure their
children
 spend their
time
 wisely. Because only a healthy
body
 can ensure the success of a human being.
Submitted by vivek6909127 on

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task achievement
While your essay covers the main points of the topic adequately, try to provide more detailed and specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Additionally, elaborating on why children are attracted to smartphones (i.e., specific features or types of content) would add depth to your response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and flow. However, watch out for minor grammatical issues and sentence fragments, like 'Which results in increased obesity.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Small linking phrases or sentences can improve the overall cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured and clearly present the topic and your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally clear and easy to follow, with each paragraph developing a single idea effectively.
task achievement
You've provided relevant examples to illustrate your points, which adds credibility to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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