IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people feel that the government should regulate the level of violence in films on television and at the cinema. Others feel that violent films should not be regulated. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #level #violence #films #television #cinema
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Some people suggest that the level of violence seen in
films
Use synonyms
 should be regulated by the government
while
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 others assert that
this
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 rule should not be provided.
This
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 essay will explain both opinions and why I support the former's view.
To begin
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 with one hand, some people believe that violent
films
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 should not be banned. The movie is one of the useful ways of education.
For example
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, the
movies
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 related to the war. In Japan, many elementary schools use these
movies
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 to teach
students
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 the danger of war and the importance of peace. In summer,
students
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 are usually gathered in a big classroom and watching these
movies
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 with their teachers.
Although
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 these contents have violent descriptions, the benefits of education can outweigh
this
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 problem.
As a result
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, violent
films
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 play an important role in teaching.
On the other hand
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,
however
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, I believe that the government should regulate violent
films
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according to
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 age.
This
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 is because these
films
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 can cause severe mental issues in children. Research recently conducted by the Ministry of Education in Japan discovered that 70% of
students
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 who watched the movie related to bullying felt more aggressive after watching it.
This
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 kind of movie may make children acquire aggressive personalities.
In contrast
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, some
students
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 feel anxiety when they see violent scenes in
movies
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. If
this
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 emotion continues, they will have more severe mental illness in the near future.
Consequently
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, since these
movies
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 have a clearly harmful effect on children, the government should prohibit them by the rule. In conclusion,
although
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 there are benefits to violent
films
Use synonyms
, I believe they should be banned because of the bad impact on mental well-being.
Submitted by nao.bb0820 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, you could improve the logical flow between arguments. For instance, using transition words or phrases between paragraphs could enhance coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph stays focused on a single main idea. The paragraph about the educational benefits of violent films could be made clearer by explicitly stating the contrast with the following paragraph's main idea.
Task Achievement
Your task response is comprehensive and addresses both sides of the argument. However, be sure to elaborate on your opinion in the conclusion, reiterating why you support government regulation.
Task Achievement
While your arguments are clear and supported with relevant examples, providing more data or studies can make your points even stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a strong conclusion that restates your opinion.
Task Achievement
You've skillfully used relevant examples, such as the use of war films in Japanese schools, to support your points.
Task Achievement
Your language is clear and you’ve successfully communicated complex ideas in a straightforward manner.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • regulation
  • vulnerable groups
  • age restrictions
  • censorship
  • real-life aggression
  • healthier society
  • creative freedom
  • free speech
  • artistic vision
  • cultural narratives
  • personal responsibility
  • viewing choices
  • balanced approach
  • rating systems
  • parental guidance
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