A large company in your area has decided to spend a certain amount of money, either to sponser a local children's sports team for two years, or to pay for two open-air concerts IT has asked for feedback from the general public. Write a letter to the company In your letter ●describe the benefits of sponsoring the sports team ●summarise the benefits of paying for the concerts ●say how you think the company should spend the money

Dear Sir or Madam I am writing to you about feedback that you asked from the general public.
Firstly
, I would say about
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
of sponsoring the
sports
team. When we conducted a school survey with local residents, we found out that many children are interested in
sports
.
However
,
major
Add an article
the major
a major
show examples
problem is not enough money for modern
sports
equipment. If you sponsor, children will play
sports
in their
worth
Correct word choice
free
show examples
time
and they will brush up their
selves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
.
This
process can
affects
Change the verb form
affect
show examples
2 things including, being a healthy and
develop
Wrong verb form
developed
show examples
country. If you ask me,
second
Change the article
the second
show examples
point
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
a sponsoring two open-air concerts is a good idea
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
attract
people
. Nowadays, our
people
dedicate a lot of
time
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
work and of course, they cannot spend
time
with their families. If you sponsoring to it, you will make
people
have a good
time
with well-known actors and actresses. I would be
gratefull
Correct your spelling
grateful
if you
sponsoring
Wrong verb form
sponsored
show examples
children's
Correct article usage
the children's
show examples
sports
team. Because, in
future
Add a comma
future,
show examples
they will achieve their all goals and success.
This
will make your company famous and involve partners that have good qualifications. If
sports
develops
Correct subject-verb agreement
develop
show examples
in the country,
people
's health level will increase and it will affect productivity. Yours faithfully
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have addressed all points in the task prompt adequately. To improve, add more specific details and examples to provide a stronger rationale for why sponsoring the children's sports team is a better option.
coherence cohesion
Work on making your logical structure clearer by using more transitions and linking words. This will help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and that there is a clear topic sentence. This will enhance clarity and coherence.
general
Review your grammar and vocabulary. There are some errors and awkward phrasings that could be improved for better clarity and readability.
task achievement
The tone of your writing is respectful and suitable for a formal letter. This is a strong point in task achievement.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a greeting and a closing, which adds to the coherence of your letter.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: