IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

in many countries people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweugh the disadvantages? give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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The question of what
benefits
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 if
countries
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 have more
people
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 who are living for a long time, whether it conceives problems or
benefits
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 for
government
Correct article usage
the government
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, has sparked considerable debate among society. In my view, the drawbacks of having more elderly
people
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 in
countries
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 significantly outweigh the
benefits
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. One of the paramount disadvantages of owning retired communities in
countries
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 is the interfered lives of young
people
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 with different habits.
For instance
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, in a place which surroundings more old
people
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 than youngsters, the older must be more dominant especially when expressing an opinion,
therefore
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 elderly
people
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 think that they have a lot of experiences rather than young
people
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,
thus
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people
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 whose busy time yield to them and do not have passionate to make it be a long debate.
Furthermore
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, in
countries
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 whose inhabitants long live, it means that they cannot create continuity of society and it will be disastrous.
However
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, it is crucial to acknowledge the potential
benefits
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 for the majority of old
people
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 in
countries
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.
For example
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, elderly
people
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 must become experts in many aspects particularly in occupations like civilian, engineers, and researchers. To address
this
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, governments have to re-hire them to be consultants for projects and transfer their knowledge to youngsters, in
hence
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 young
people
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 who have more freshly-breakthrough can improve their ideas with help from experts. It is imperative to strike a balance by integrating
people
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 whose different generations. In conclusion,
while
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 there are
benefits
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 associated with the expertise of older
people
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, I firmly believe that the disadvantages far outweigh these concerns.
Countries
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 have to maximize their continuity of inhabitants for a better future. To ensure a successful implementation, governments should adopt a balanced approach that addresses the potential impact of youngsters dominant in society.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, further connect ideas within paragraphs using linking words and phrases. For example, use words like 'moreover,' 'in addition,' or 'on the other hand' to create smoother transitions.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that supporting sentences are directly related to it. This will help maintain a logical structure throughout the essay.
task achievement
Consider more fully addressing each side of the argument to provide a balanced view. Right now, the essay leans more towards one side and doesn't completely acknowledge the opposing argument.
task achievement
Use specific and detailed examples to illustrate points better. For instance, include real-life examples or statistical evidence to provide stronger support for your arguments.
task achievement
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity. Some sentences are complex and difficult to understand. Simplifying these will make your ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your essay well.
task achievement
Your response is on topic and answers the question by weighing both advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population.
task achievement
The ideas presented show a good understanding of the topic and are generally well-organized.
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