IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situtation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situtation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no denying the fact that nowadays some countries have more young
people
Use synonyms
 than old
people
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
 essay will analyse the advantages and disadvantages and I will express my point of view .
To begin
Linking Words
 with, young
people
Use synonyms
 are capable
to
Change preposition
of working
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 more effectively than older ages
in other words
Linking Words
 we can say that youth can
work
Use synonyms
 for longer times without feeling bored and losing passion in
additions
Fix the agreement mistake
addition
show examples
 to
this
Linking Words
 youth can enhance the economy
for instance
Linking Words
 in Saudi Arabia the crown prince is young so he has a better vision of the new world and has flexible ideas and better thinking so
this
Linking Words
 has a direct contribution to the economy
secondly
Linking Words
, younger citizens can
work
Use synonyms
 as workers to be more clear they can
work
Use synonyms
 as
worker
Add an article
a worker
show examples
 with low celeries so the country can use them to build new projects.
Thirdly
Linking Words
 having
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 old ages is better for the government because the government is giving the retirement salary and they may be
burden
Add an article
a burden
show examples
 on the government because of their high healthcare expenses,
In contrast
Linking Words
, aged citizens can stimulate the market
in other words
Linking Words
 we can say that older
people
Use synonyms
 are financially stable so they can buy a lot of items from the markets
secondly
Linking Words
 retired
people
Use synonyms
 can enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourism
for example
Linking Words
 they
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 having lot of free time so they are travelling a lot
thirdly
Linking Words
 the world loses wisdom to be more specific older
people
Use synonyms
 are wise and they advises younger persons. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
Linking Words
,I tend to believe that having young and old
people
Use synonyms
 equally is more important and beneficial,
Submitted by amjadalsamman on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points. For example, provide data or more detailed instances, especially when discussing economic benefits and market stimulation.
coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity and flow by using transitional phrases and checking for repetitive sentence structures. Avoid run-on sentences that can confuse the reader.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced argument by discussing both advantages and disadvantages, which demonstrates your understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a clear start and end to the essay. This helps frame your arguments well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: