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Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situtation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situtation
There is no denying the fact that nowadays some countries have more young
people
 than old
people
this
 essay will analyse the advantages and disadvantages and I will express my point of view .
To begin
 with, young
people
 are capable
to
Change preposition
of working
show examples
work
 more effectively than older ages
in other words
 we can say that youth can
work
 for longer times without feeling bored and losing passion in
additions
Fix the agreement mistake
addition
show examples
 to
this
 youth can enhance the economy
for instance
 in Saudi Arabia the crown prince is young so he has a better vision of the new world and has flexible ideas and better thinking so
this
 has a direct contribution to the economy
secondly
, younger citizens can
work
 as workers to be more clear they can
work
 as
worker
Add an article
a worker
show examples
 with low celeries so the country can use them to build new projects.
Thirdly
 having
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 old ages is better for the government because the government is giving the retirement salary and they may be
burden
Add an article
a burden
show examples
 on the government because of their high healthcare expenses,
In contrast
, aged citizens can stimulate the market
in other words
 we can say that older
people
 are financially stable so they can buy a lot of items from the markets
secondly
 retired
people
 can enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourism
for example
 they
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 having lot of free time so they are travelling a lot
thirdly
 the world loses wisdom to be more specific older
people
 are wise and they advises younger persons. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
 question. On balance,
however
,I tend to believe that having young and old
people
 equally is more important and beneficial,
Submitted by amjadalsamman on

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task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points. For example, provide data or more detailed instances, especially when discussing economic benefits and market stimulation.
coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity and flow by using transitional phrases and checking for repetitive sentence structures. Avoid run-on sentences that can confuse the reader.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced argument by discussing both advantages and disadvantages, which demonstrates your understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a clear start and end to the essay. This helps frame your arguments well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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